Urinal Rules

I don't think woman could ever understand the male bathroom situation. Whereas most of the time woman get their own little "private" cubby hole to do their business, a lot of times men are practically rubbing elbows when standing at the urinal. This leads to some interesting situations, of which I will take note.

The first place I really started noticing personal and societal Urinal Rules was at my fraternity. We had two bathrooms for males, one upstairs and one downstairs, each with 3 urinals and 4 stalls. There was an immediate unspoken rule that you don't take the center urinal if you are alone. That way if someone else needed to come in to drain the lizard, you both had your space. Around my junior year I had the wherewithall, or gumption if you will, to experiment with the rule. What would happen if I used the center urinal? I would only use it if no one else was using one of the three. What I found was pretty humorous... my fraternity brothers would wait for me to finish. Most were pretty clever about waiting: sifting through magazines, washing their face, checking the stalls, etc. But one brother, Karl, always made me laugh because he would stand behind me as if in line. When I was done and turned around, his head would be down, not wanting any eye contact as we dosey-doed.

The second place was at sports events, like Cardinal's ballgames. Alcohol definitely affects the Urinal Rules (this was further substantiated with adult use of alcohol at the fraternity). The Rules no longer matter. Guys talk to one another like they would anywhere else. Guys contact one another - rubbing elbows no longer matters and I have even seen a guy pat another on the back while both were facing the urinal. Back at the fraternity I noticed only with alcohol would people choose to take the middle urinal right away...whether or not someone was at the side urinals.

The third place was where I had the weirdest experiences was in law school in the "busy" bathrooms. Rhere were two urinals and two to four stalls in those bathrooms. What I noticed was that almost half the time, the guy would go to a stall rather than a urinal even if the bathroom was empty. I had one experience where I was sitting on the pot reading a newspaper (school has stacks of free ones) and I was alone in the bathroom. A guy comes in gets in the sole other stall next to me, locks it, only to pee. I really don't understand that behavior at all.

Oh, I just have to say that all these urinals don't have partitions. Partitions make such a different to Urinal Rules.

I am no sociologist, but I really believe that you can tell a lot about someone just from how where they choose to pee. I almost wish I didn't notice the other guy's choice of things, but I do. And now you might too.

The Morning Routine

Every morning I go to the gas station located right next to my parking lot. It's a simple Shell, about what you would expect for any gas station.

Every morning I grab a liter of Mountain Dew and some kind of breakfast. It is horrible what I eat usually. Most of the time I eat Dunkin' Sticks which are the love child between a donut and snacky cake. Sometimes I will grab a jalapeno hotdog. Or, if I am feeling particularly healthy, I will grab a cereal bar.

This morning I was a little late. Usually I like to get to the library as soon as it opens (7:30), but we had a shift in babysitters and I didn't get to Shell until 7:50.

The cute girl at the cash register blinked when she saw me come up to give my daily tithe.

"You're early," she said. Now throughout my years at law school I have become accustomed to the employees at Shell. They kind of know me. I kind of know them. But, it stays pretty "professional," mostly because I am just tired and have a 10 minute walk across campus to my building.

I was kind of taken aback because first she was rather new in comparison to the other employees, but also because I was in fact late. I checked their little wall clock to make sure.

"Actually, I am late."

She rubbed her eyes and retorted that I was messing up her body clock.

I chuckled and grabbed the heavenly chemicals that would get me to lunch, where I promised I would have a brown rice wrap or something equally healthy, "I'll try to be on time tomorrow."

It made my day. Not because she was cute or we had a playful exchange (yeah I was paraphrasing a little), but because I was noticed in a situation where notice is not required. I know many times I will walk through a shop and pray that no stupid salespeople ask me questions. If I have a goddamn question I will seek you out, but of course then I won't be able to find one. I get to a checkout line and hope that the cashier just boops me through with just a nice "hello."

But, I have to say it is nice to have more. It reminds me that we are all just people getting through the day. We are all really in the same boat.

Passive

a.k.a. "Vacant"
Lyrics by Maynard James Keenan

"Dead as dead can be,"
the doctor tells me.
But I just can't believe him.
Ever the optimistic one, I'm sure of your ability
to become my perfect enemy.

So, wake up and face me.
Don't play dead, 'cause maybe
someday I will walk away and say,
"You disappoint me. Maybe you're better off this way."

Leaning over you here
cold and catatonic.
I catch a brief reflection of what you could and might have been.
It's your right and your ability
to become my perfect enemy.

But, maybe you're better off this way.

Go ahead and play dead.
I know that you can hear this.
Go ahead and play dead.
Why can't you turn and face me?
You fucking disappoint me.

Passive aggressive bullshit.



A Perfect Circle has two songs that are just about the most moving I've ever heard. The sentiment is powerful, supremely human, and so uniquely expressed. Only those you love the deepest can hurt you the most. How do you deal with it, when the one you love becomes atrocious?

Also the manner and method of the sins being committed. Most people can't process or explain it. They can't understand it so there's nothing left to do but suffer it under the additional pain of frustration and confusion. This song and "The Outsider" both do a phenomenal job of confronting and addressing (perhaps not effectively, but perhaps still as well as one might) such crimes of subtlety.

Recipe: Tuna Burrito

Back when I was a super-metabolized high school athlete, I used to eat nearly five meals a day. One of my constants was shredded cheese in a tortilla with green Tabasco sauce nuked for about 20 seconds. It was all good. I eventually made the recipe a little more complex with some ingredients you would never imagine.

Before I give you the recipe, I want to say... I am a food snob (according to my wife). I like to think I am a foodie. I don't think I have peculiar tastes, and this recipe is one of my favorites (last week I was fiending for one). So, please don't just discount it because of the ingredients.

Rav's Tuna Burrito
2 flour tortillas
1 can of regular tuna (not albacore!)
handfuls of shredded cheese, preferably cheddar or mexican-mix
1/4 cup of diced onion
BBQ sauce of choice, preferably spicy

1. Drain can of tuna and add BBQ sauce to can until tuna is "not dry."
2. Divide can of BBQ tuna to tortillas. Add cheese and onion.
3. Nuke for 30-40 seconds.
4. Eat.

Genesis 51

1-The LORD saw this and he was pleased.
2-Unto the brothers of Joseph He thus spake. "Your days have been difficult, yet your people have persisted."
3-"You seem to have the hang of this, more or less. I've got some other projects I've been working on so I'll be going now."
4-And the brothers lamented, "O Father! What are we do to without you?"
And in return the LORD replied, "Don't sweat it, fellas. You'll be fine. It's a big world with lots of people. You just do what you think is best with it."
5-But they feared responsibility the LORD thus endowed and so they pleaded, "Stay with us, O Father! O King and creator of all! We will build great temples to Thee and pay homage and sacrifice!"
6-The LORD found their offers endearing and did pity them. "Indeed I have created all by my will, and as king of creation I only give one command:
7-That ye be, and make use of the creation I hath wrought."
8-The command of the LORD did stir the meek men's hearts. But their minds were unresponsive to sorting it out just what they were to do about it. And so they cried again unto the LORD.
9-"We will honor your command, O Father, O Lord, and it will be law!" And the brothers murmured to themselves for a bit before asking, "Could you maybe, though, be a little more specific?"
10-Now the LORD was becoming a bit irritated. The LORD double checked the LORD's notes to make sure that he had, in fact, instilled in his creation of human kind the ingredient of free will.
11-And lo! It was so! Right there, check-marked, day 6, sure enough...
12-"I have made you in My image," endeavored the LORD, "So really... you can figure this out for yourselves. It's quite simple, as I previously stated in verse 7. I must be going now, take care!"
13-And then the LORD left the Earth, though he continued to observe His creation since it did please him ever still. But the brothers of Joseph remained vexed and frightened.
14-"What are we to do!" they cried to eachother as they gnashed their teeth and tore at their hair. "We must have the intervention of the LORD to know what is right, or else others who do not believe as we may run amok!"
15-And the brothers agreed and they took council and decided on just what they were pretty sure the laws of the LORD might well have been had he taken the time to spell every detail out.
16-And hither forth in the rest of the books of this text is an account of the fruits of their labors.

Sparkling or Smoldering; Your Choice

Sam and Alex are about to witness the end of all things.

"Well, here we are." Sam said.

"At long last," Alex replied.

"Long? Only eternity."

"Yeah..."

Of course they couldn't be where they were and doing what they were if they had bodies and such things. What they are boils down to being the last two individual consciousnesses in the universe.

"What do you think it will look like?" Alex asked.

"I don't know. It will probably be hard to tell, what with space and time and us collapsing into it," Sam answered.

"Yeah... the Big Crunch, as it were. We probably should have stayed longer at the Big Bang."

"Gone back further you mean?"

"I suppose we did see the good part," Alex suggested, essentially with a smile. "Everything was sparkling and new."

"So full of energy, it was. Bursting forth to begin an eternity of creation and existence," Sam added.

"That was so long ago..."

"Only eternity."

Alex became a bit slower, having to really stop and think for the first time in a long time. "What were we doing before that?"

Sam hardly hesitated at all. "We were on our way there."

"But before that? What did we spend our time doing?"

"We don't spend time anymore. We're soaking in it!"

"Your muddling things up again," Alex said, essentially with a pout. "You always do that... to distract me."

"Distract you from what? The smoldering stars racing towards oblivion? We can always go back and watch it again."

"Can we?"

"Certainly."

"How can you say that? How can it be certain? The universe is ending!"

"So?"

"Well there won't be anything left after that?"

"But there's an eternity of infinity before it."

"But will we exist after it?"

"We existed after the beginning... for an eternity." Sam wondered, "Don't you remember?"

"Of course I do," Alex resolved. "But we're at the end. What happens after?"

"Well quite definitively nothing, I would have to say."

"Why do you say that?" Alex asked, as the last bits of time and matter were now but an infinitesimal distance from that singular point of annihilation.

"Because," Sam replied, gazing on in wonder. "Everything happened before."

Anchorage That Was

December 7, 1941.

It took one night to destroy it all.

Anchorage was finally becoming a prosperous city. It was a port city, but the German's nuclear bomb tests the last eight years on the Arctic icecaps changed the world's shipping routes. Los Angeles was a side track now. Seattle could barely see through the rain. It was a great time to be an Alaskan.

The new trade agreements with the German Reich solidified the United State's position as dominating in the Western Hemisphere. There was one time that we might have stopped them, but a quiet nuking of the Brits changed our foreign policy rather rapidly.

The only other power in the world was Japan. We had just received the secret of nukes from the Reich, which Japan had been negotiating to get for months. It was a slap in their face. Some said it was a decision of race. Regardless, it was amazing how quickly and decisively Japan stopped the cleansing of China and India to stare out at us across the ocean.

There would have been no way to know the fleet was coming. At the time it would be the biggest force on the Pacific. Half of it was aircraft carriers. The other was destroyers. They crept up on Anchorage in the morning. Nobody can see through the morning fog.

The shelling continued through the night. I remember thinking that they must run out of ammunition sometime. I don't remember when they did, but they left. The port was nothing but ruined buildings and the sea was filled with burning shipwrecks. The harbor was choked with metal ruins of tankers and trade ships.

After my country made sure the islands of Japan were void of life, the U.S. refused to acknowledge Anchorage as anything more than a monument to the war. They focused their efforts on rebuilding Hawaii and fortifying L.A. I think they wanted Anchorage to vanish into the fog. And it did.