Sooth Unleashed

Haute Tension

2007-09-18T01:28:00.000-07:00

Note to friends and family. This is about a Horror film. Horror is about the vulgar half of our existence. What follows is fittingly vulgar.

Title: High Tension
Director: Some French guy who I didn't bother to remember but I think his name is Ars (he apparently went on to direct the The Hills Have Eyes remake which I'll also be scoping)

Marie and Alex are school buddies. They're visiting Alex's family when a psychopath strikes. Extremely Horrible Shit ensues!

Script/Direction: We'll skip the script for now (but boy will we ever get back to it) because the direction is where it's at. "High Tension" it is indeed. There's a combination of the tried and true "wait for iiiiiiiiit" suspenseful horror of "omg the killers gonna bust thru that door any second!" and a much more modern utter relentlessness when the horror does start to hit. In this movie, you've got thunder clouds booming a long time... but when it rains blood, it pours.

The completely frank brutality of the gory killings cuts through horror cliche like a- well- knife. It doesn't shove the gore in your face to say "whoopee! check this shit out!" What it does is shove your face in the gore. It's there, it's real, you cannot deny it, you cannot escape it. The superb special effects get this done.

But it all works so well because it's not sensationalized. And the best indicator of this is the music. It doesn't blare discord when you're "supposed" to jump. It doesn't play cheap on the strings when you're "supposed" to be tense. If anything, the subtle music just sounds kind of sad while the slaughter of a happy family is being drawn out.

Which segues nicely into the...

Soundtrack: Some cutesy sappy French pop song when the girls are driving down the highway. Some Reggae-hip-hop thing while our "heroine" um... calms herself before the storm... And, mother fucking MUSE at the movie's climax and finale. That there, ladies and gentlemen, is Thee Win.

Acting: Only 3 proper characters. Marie, the main chick; Alex, her friend taken captive; and Le Tuerer the madman whom, when we first meet him, is fellating himself with a [TEH SPOILERZ KICKIN IN] severed head. Yeahhhhh :(

Marie is a really cute butch girly-girl tomboy who is absolutely fucking worthless until she gets ahold of a barb-wire-wrapped fence post towards the end of the film. There's really nothing to like about her until you're seeing the movie for a second time. She's played by some French chick who actually has "France" in her name.

Alex is her dear friend and is played by none other than the Diva Plava Laguna. If you know wtf I'm talking about you win, if not, don't worry about it. She just sits chained up and crying the whole movie.

"Le Tuerer" is a serious fucking psychotic motherfucker. His violence is relentless with just the wrong amount of playfulness, and his obsessiveness is shared with the audience in very disturbing instances of intimacy. You don't doubt for a second what he's all about and there's no doubt he's pure horror. Michael Meyers without the mask (but with the coveralls!). In fact... how his face is obscured and revealed almost subliminally throughout the film is a masterwork of cinematography. He's played by some guy I'd never want to meet because I dunno how a human being could even pretend to be this sick fuck. The character is disturbing because he's not some abstract monster. He's just some dirty fuckin dude!

F/X: Superb (despite an early decapitation that's mostly goofy). The gore, as I said, is realistic and uncensored when you need a bucket of ice water in the face, and then at other times subdued or off camera entirely when it just lets you sit shivering in the puddle.

The Final Word:

Ok... so... the plot. [SPOILERZISHNESSNOTREALLYBUTSORTA]

This is the highly contentious thing. From what I've heard most of the movie is a straight cut and paste of a Dean Koontz book/mini-series, and the rest is a... well... twist

I heard about the plot twist long long ago, mainly from people bitching about how unoriginal it is, and how cheaply tacked on to this film it is. It is indeed one of the more common plot devices in suspense films in the past decade or so, and in most of those films it is completely cheap.

So I was not expecting to approve of it when I finally saw it. I just wanted to see some grisly horror cinema. Well grisly was sure delivered, but I gotta say the story worked out great for me too. Knowing the "twist" actually makes the character of Marie much more interesting and the film all the more intense because of how you realize the film is having you relate to her and the killer. I am a freakin FIEND for stories steeped in character and perspective, so I gotta say I really did appreciate the twist, and found that it blended in with the story as a whole very well. I think the best thing it does, when it's revealed, is give you a punch to the gut after watching Marie's gratifying victory- by assuring you that she can never EVER win.

I think, perhaps, the twist didn't bother me- didn't seem tacked on at least- because of 2 things... 1) I knew ahead of time but mainly 2) I get off on getting into characters' heads. When a film allows me to not just witness but even experience what a character is thinking/feeling... no matter how elating or disturbing... I am very appreciative. This film does this in very subtle ways. If you're not looking to get engrossed in the characters' experiences, you'll probably overlook all the stuff that gives the twist any meaning or value.

PS
I watched the movie in French without subtitles. This is one of two movies I've ever watched like this because I felt I really didn't need to know exactly what the dialogs was, I just needed to empathize with the characters and then sit back and watch mayhem ensue. I feel I was right. (Fun Fact: John Woo's The Killer was the other film I watched with no dub nor subtitles.)

Zero Point

2007-06-28T20:32:00.000-07:00

The lights came up. The smoke settled. The whirring hum of the machinery faded away.

"What is the result?" shouted the Professor. His rigid demeanor was betrayed by excitement.

The assistant read off of ticker tape spilling out of the machine, "Zero-point-zero-one-zero-three-five-three... seven... repeating." Looking up with anxious eyes behind thick protective goggles he offered, "That's an all time best, Professor- nearly a 40% reduction."

The Professor did not reply. For the moment he simply stood back and surveyed the elaborate assembly of equipment filling the room. He arched a scrutinizing eyebrow. The technological amalgamate before him did not spy the stern gaze of its progenitor, nor did it realize that its efforts were being evaluated- nor even that they might be deemed unworthy. The equipment did not fret, it simply waited.

Of course the Professor expected no such thing from the inanimate objects. He finally relaxed and approached the assistant. "That is not the target result," he finally said. "That is not Zero."

"But, Professor..."

"Again," directed the Professor.

"Yes, Professor," replied the assistant, snapping presently to attention. "It will take several hours..."

"I know how long it takes. So get started."

"Yes, Professor."

As the assistant set about preparing the equipment again, the Professor retreated to his study to examine the data and adjust the parameters of the experiment. He had convinced the investors that he could produce a result of exactly Zero despite every precedent in the history of science. He had every intention to deliver that result exactly. If he was successful the ramifications would be Earth-shattering. What had been imagined as an impossible dream since humankind first began to study the nature of the world around it would finally be reality. Countless lives could be saved. The global economy would be redefined.

But, it had to be perfect. The smaller-minded might accept encouragement in a result of zero-point-zero-one-zero-three-five-seven repeating, or perhaps even zero-point-zero-zero-one-zero-three... or zero-point-zero-zero-zero-zero-one-zero-three... But, none of those were close enough. Zero-point-anything was too simply too much. Each experiment produced a smaller result but each result was infinitely wrong. No margin of error was acceptable.

And so, the Professor returned to his data, and he pondered and he pored and he calculated. Every variable was studied, every deviation eradicated. Several hours passed.

"Professor..."

"Yes, I'm coming. The equipment is ready?"

"Yes, Professor."

"Good."

The Professor recalibrated the equipment per his redefined parameters. The assistant engaged the power switches and pushed the execute button. The lights went down as the equipment energized an the experiment commenced.

When it had concluded the Professor asked, "What is the result?"

The assistant did not reply. The ticker tape was still printing.

"The result?" demanded the Professor.

"Yes, Professor," the assistant nervously replied as the tape continued to stream out of the machine. "Zero-point... zero-zero-zero-zero-zero-zero-zero..." He caught his breath and just watched the tape continue to slide through his hands. "...zero...zero...repeating," he concluded, looking up at the Professor.

The Professor did not respond. For a moment there was no sound and no movement at all except for the endless printing of the ticker tape.

The assistant finally asked, "Is that close enough, Professor?"

Uberhobbit

2007-06-04T22:43:00.000-07:00

Filbo Stoutwrist didn't know much about the world. He was born in his village and he knew full well he'd die there. He hadn't ventured more than a half mile outside of it either- because that, as everyone knew, was folly.

But Filbo, like virtually all his kin and townsfolk knew pretty much all there was to know about farming. As Hobbits, there was a natural inclination, of course, but it could be said with no exaggeration the good folk of that village had lived for several generations at the pinnacle of the craft.

They knew everything there was to know about making things grow. Everything about the soil, the sun, the water and the air that was needed to produce healthy taters, rhubarb, strawberries, and all manner of vegetables and grains, not to mention some of the loveliest flower gardens in all of Eriador.

The people of that village were so skilled in farming because those gardens (and in fact their whole village) was little more than a prison. For their home was nestled on the fringes of the dreaded Ettenmoors, a land becoming eclipsed by the Shadow.

Roaming bands of orcs, wargs, and spiders did daily run rampant and unchecked across the lands all around them. Mighty men defended the ruins of ancient keeps that dotted the region but in time all were swallowed by the Shadow. For generations it had been thus. Truth be told, no one currently in the village could be quite sure why their forefathers had ever come here at all.

And yet, here they remained, all this time drawing beautiful life from blood-soaked rock. Perhaps the land was once upon a time nothing but pure and green. And now, while the men fought in keeps with swords and shields against a vicious rampaging army... The Hobbits remained in their village and fought against darkness with beauty; fought against death with life. They would never surrender, and they were indeed mighty, these Master Hobbit farmers of the Ettenmoors.

Medium

2007-05-12T15:15:00.000-07:00

They know we exist but not in their world.

They know we have power, an influence on them.

So they try to reach us. They speak to us though they cannot hear.

They use their voodoo magic tricks to touch us, control us, to get a result.

They know we are watching them.
They know we are obsessed.
They know we envy them, They know we don't understand.

We are the stillborn populous. We grow up in Limbo.
We learn about life watching what they show.

We dance when they pull our strings because we love the attention.
They dance for us, the invisible audience, because they can see our money.

So their shamans cast their spells on us perform their demographical focus-group seance-rites, every night. Prime Time.

A Mild Irritation

2007-05-06T11:35:00.000-07:00

It would wake me up in the middle of the night,
But oxygen deprivation keeps me under.

The splinter in my mind
is starting to scab over.

A mild irritation gets inflamed from time to time.
Always find the ointment and squeeze out the tube.

Drown out the voice that tells me I'm wrong.
Put a pillow over my face whenever my eyes might open.

Get this all down, let it all out,
Then crumple it up and throw it away.

Pander and wonder and fantasize
about what it might be to live a life,

Then go back to sleep because dreams are free.
Reality's price is to try.

Just

2007-04-13T06:07:00.000-07:00

I stood in the crowd behind the tables listening to the Irish band play. The guy in front of me occasionally decided to hold the plastic cup of ale in his mouth and clap along, bumping into me. The only time I clapped was at the end of each song because my hands were tied... one to Guiness and one to Irish whiskey.

About three songs from the end of the set I felt the spiritual resonance of the bomb . The maker had loaded it with enough c4 to level the pub, but a lesser spirit (barely sentient) was tied to the bomb to take care of any survivors. The spirit's resonance was how I found the bomb; it was rage where everything else was celebration.

I listened to a few more songs, and felt to spirit shift from rage to readiness. To free my hands I slammed back the rest of the whiskey, and soothed the burn with the rest of the Guiness. I sighed as I grabbed my sister-in-law and shoved her out the open window. Her husband was pretty shocked at what I had just done. He did not respond when I threw him out too.

The physical aspect of the bomb exploded. Nearly everyone in the pub died from the initial blast. I felt the flames and debris wrap around me, but they would not dare touch me. The spirit flickered from survivor to survivor aggravating whatever wounds they had to the point of death, and then it noticed me. I drew my blade from Elsewhere.

It tried to attack with a few cheap shots, but the most basic defense of Crane Snares Frog knocked away the spirit easily. Most who learn true blade arts learn the technique within the first few weeks. The first two movements act to parry any attacks, while the third acts as a riposte. However, before my blade split the enemy its spiritual essence was already bleeding away into a sorcery.

A curious ripple of spiritual energy blossomed behind me, and I saw where the spirit had expended its energy. Thousands of charged shards of glass from the windows came at me. I countered with the blade technique Storm Kills Hive, and each piece of glass exploded into a fine sand before touching my body.

I leapt out the same window I had thrown my sister-in-law as my blade went back to its sheath in Elsewhere. She and her husband were standing quite a bit away from the flaming pub on the sidewalk. "Get in the car. Forget about the rest," I said, "Just go."

The Oak Table

2007-04-11T20:16:00.000-07:00

The gentleman arrived late in March and the Marquis recieved him graciously. That night and every night of his stay I waited upon the gentleman's every need as I had waited upon the Marquis for the past 20 some years.

Every evening I prepared supper for them in the banquet hall. It was a good deal of trouble to go to for just the two of them to dine, but as the Marquis no longer entertained regularly it was cause enough for the formality. The gentleman, after all, was a representative of the Duke. Every night at supper he met with the Marquis to discuss the workings of his serfdom and divine the cause of the last few years' steady decline in tribute to the Empire. Every night the Marquis patiently listened to the gentleman's lectures on the matters of government and economics, and answered all the gentleman's inquiries with polite yet delightfully vexing vagueries and musings.

During the day the gentleman roamed the estate or lingered in the library as the Marquis would not see him, save at supper, and his attempts to interview myself, the only servant of the manor, had not satisfied him in the least. Every night after dinner he returned to his chambers for the evening where I observed in secret his restless nights. Often I saw him run to shut the windows in a vain attempt to silence the howls of the wolves. But they would howl all night, because I of course had not fed them since the gentleman arrived.

Finally, one week after the gentleman had arrived I delivered to him the message that the Marquis did not wish to sup in the banquet hall that evening, but rather out on the veranda in the fresh air, where their discussions of the proper ways and means of state could be refreshed as well. The gentleman acknowledged this humble page but was not pleased. As I left he returned to the window of his chamber to contemplate the forest who's howling emanations kept his nights sleepless.

On the veranda I set the broad oak table with simple pewter place settings rather than the usual silver. They would certainly seem more fitting of the table itself. It was an single ancient slab from a mighty tree felled far from these mountains. It was a plain table, by most respects. It and the stout flat chairs that accompanied it were completely unadorned and had no varnish save what many years of what age and wear could do to darken them. Several gouges, blackened with grime and the dried accumulations of the various fluids spilled on the table over time, could be found on its surface. The Marquis, ever coy, would say that these only serve to define the bold and honorable character of the table.

The Marquis and the gentleman dined once again together that night, though they did not converse much. The gentleman was clearly uncomfortable with the spare arrangements, and the woods lingering just off to the East. The special seasoning I had added to his stew that supper took effect as soon as the meal was complete. I was just able to bus the gentleman's dishes away before he slumped over onto that old oak table. It was a curious recipe which I made a trek to procure once a year from a gnarled and crafty hag that lived in a cave deep in the mountains. The gentleman was not dead, and not even unconscious. He was, however, rendered quite immobile and utterly helpless for sufficient time. The Marquis got up from the table and removed his waist coat so as not to soil it. The wolves could be seen crossing the plain at that time, coming to the manor.

I proceeded with my role then, pulling the gentleman up onto the table and turning him over. His eyes glared at me with the most comical confusion. "Do not fear, good sir!" I told him as I removed his vest and shirt. "All matters of state shall soon be resolved by the good Marquis." And at that time I dimminished to simple observer as the Marquis approached the gentleman with his instruments in hand, and the wolves crept onto the veranda licking their chops and trembling in anticipation.

Free Speech

2007-04-04T14:03:00.000-07:00

I don't think Americans realize how good they have it. 99% of the time if they want to say it, an American can say it.

Our 1st Amendment cases are much of the time extreme compared to other countries:
In America if you burn your draft card on the steps of courthouse during a time of war, you might go to jail for a bit. In China, in a time of peace, you might get shot or run over by a tank.
In America nothing is sancrosanct when a comedian performs an act. In United Arab Emirates, the comedian has to provide a transcript of the act so that someone can edit it out.
In America we watch and laugh at a show that presents our President as a complete idiot (let's sidestep the obvious). And most recently, in Thailand they block an entire website for relatively weak mockery of a ruler.

I know many people are currently unhappy with a lot of American government policy, and hopefully that will change. But, it is helpful to remember sometimes how truly different the freedoms we take absolutely for granted are not even tasted by other people of the world.

Wikis and Copyrights

2007-04-02T08:53:00.000-07:00

I have created a wiki (I choose not to link for a number of reasons) and been a healthy contributor on quite a few. You might notice that almost every wiki has a copyright license at the bottom of the first page. This license will tell you what happens with the stuff you add to a wiki. For instance can others edit your additions, can people take your additions and bring it to another place (not on that wiki), can your addition be related to any commercial use, and realistically the most important, IMHO, what happens when your article is edited.

There are many "commons" licenses that allow for an almost public-domain-like allowance for the copyright material. Usually any kind of personal use is allowed. However, the differences can be suffocating.

Recently my all time favorite game, Guild Wars, started an official wiki. This was awesome except that awesomeness was tempered by the fact that there was already a goliath-size unofficial wiki in existence. For the rest of the article I will call the former "OGW" (official guild wiki) and the latter "GGW" (goliath guild wiki).

The community was pretty excited because the benefits of having an official wiki were pretty substantial: (a) the owner would not randomly decide to take the wiki down, (b) the hardware and connection could be substantially improved, (c) developers and personnel of ArenaNet might be persuaded to add to the wiki, etc.

Community: Ok, well let's just copy everything from the very substantial, nearly complete GGW to the new and blossoming OGW.

ArenaNet: We can't do that.

It seemed that the license on the GGW did not allow for any commercial use. OGW, owned by the company that ran Guild Wars, would definitely be used for commercial use even if only "lay people" would be adding content.

This was horrible. Two wikis on the exact same subject create the biggest bane to a wiki's existence. Competing wikis are about as stupid as competing operating systems, as entertaining as it may be. Ok, bad analogy and wrong battleground.

Anyway LDRAW (Lego CAD development) recently had nearly the same problem shifting their parts library over to a "commons" copyright license. This took nearly a year because they had to contact each parts author and ask that author to release his copyright to the part under the new license. The authors that could not be contacted had their parts deleted off the LDRAW server, and those parts had to be later remade in an original manner.

This solution would be perfect for GGW and allow the OGW to replace it. The problem is that a wiki is editable by practically anybody. Many people create usernames to attach to their wiki additions/edits, but just as many edit anonymously. Well not totally anonymously because IP's will be tracked, but still contacting an author based on their IP is not very feasible. The other problem is that so many authors add their stock to the wiki article's soup.

Sure Bob the Farmer may have started the wiki article on sheep, and then Sally edits his article for grammar and had to add a sentence on sheep diets, Gregor added a paragraph on sheep diseases, ph3@r added a bit on having sex with sheep, etc. As of the current iteration, let's say, 80 authors have put their hand on the sheep wiki article.

Can our law really handle the copyright problems imposed when 80 people add material and then walk away? Most people that use wikis know that nothing is sacred. What one might feel is sacrosanct is just another factoid to another, and may edit out the feelings of holiness to make it more neutral. People also get their facts wrong, add opinions, and even make stuff up.

What about the fact that the author's copyrighted material is basically in the hands of another person? If the server is taken down with no backups, etc. the material may be lost forever. Should that matter? Should copyright really protect all the crap that is shoved out onto the net each day (including this article) to the degree that a book or manuscript is protected?

Now American intellectual property law is based on the notion that you must protect your rights. So while 80 people might hold some iteration of a copyright on the sheep article, it is probable that no one will actively seek to protect their copyright. Still, companies wishing to make things "official" will not wish to take on the boatload of liability.

I feel that this is another stab at how archaic and stupid our copyright laws are. We are coming upon another Mickey Mouse cycle for copyright. I hope our Congressmen attempt to learn about copyrights with a forward-looking expansive scope, instead of to just a commercial degree.

Urinal Rules

2007-03-30T09:24:00.000-07:00

I don't think woman could ever understand the male bathroom situation. Whereas most of the time woman get their own little "private" cubby hole to do their business, a lot of times men are practically rubbing elbows when standing at the urinal. This leads to some interesting situations, of which I will take note.

The first place I really started noticing personal and societal Urinal Rules was at my fraternity. We had two bathrooms for males, one upstairs and one downstairs, each with 3 urinals and 4 stalls. There was an immediate unspoken rule that you don't take the center urinal if you are alone. That way if someone else needed to come in to drain the lizard, you both had your space. Around my junior year I had the wherewithall, or gumption if you will, to experiment with the rule. What would happen if I used the center urinal? I would only use it if no one else was using one of the three. What I found was pretty humorous... my fraternity brothers would wait for me to finish. Most were pretty clever about waiting: sifting through magazines, washing their face, checking the stalls, etc. But one brother, Karl, always made me laugh because he would stand behind me as if in line. When I was done and turned around, his head would be down, not wanting any eye contact as we dosey-doed.

The second place was at sports events, like Cardinal's ballgames. Alcohol definitely affects the Urinal Rules (this was further substantiated with adult use of alcohol at the fraternity). The Rules no longer matter. Guys talk to one another like they would anywhere else. Guys contact one another - rubbing elbows no longer matters and I have even seen a guy pat another on the back while both were facing the urinal. Back at the fraternity I noticed only with alcohol would people choose to take the middle urinal right away...whether or not someone was at the side urinals.

The third place was where I had the weirdest experiences was in law school in the "busy" bathrooms. Rhere were two urinals and two to four stalls in those bathrooms. What I noticed was that almost half the time, the guy would go to a stall rather than a urinal even if the bathroom was empty. I had one experience where I was sitting on the pot reading a newspaper (school has stacks of free ones) and I was alone in the bathroom. A guy comes in gets in the sole other stall next to me, locks it, only to pee. I really don't understand that behavior at all.

Oh, I just have to say that all these urinals don't have partitions. Partitions make such a different to Urinal Rules.

I am no sociologist, but I really believe that you can tell a lot about someone just from how where they choose to pee. I almost wish I didn't notice the other guy's choice of things, but I do. And now you might too.

The Morning Routine

2007-03-27T08:37:00.000-07:00

Every morning I go to the gas station located right next to my parking lot. It's a simple Shell, about what you would expect for any gas station.

Every morning I grab a liter of Mountain Dew and some kind of breakfast. It is horrible what I eat usually. Most of the time I eat Dunkin' Sticks which are the love child between a donut and snacky cake. Sometimes I will grab a jalapeno hotdog. Or, if I am feeling particularly healthy, I will grab a cereal bar.

This morning I was a little late. Usually I like to get to the library as soon as it opens (7:30), but we had a shift in babysitters and I didn't get to Shell until 7:50.

The cute girl at the cash register blinked when she saw me come up to give my daily tithe.

"You're early," she said. Now throughout my years at law school I have become accustomed to the employees at Shell. They kind of know me. I kind of know them. But, it stays pretty "professional," mostly because I am just tired and have a 10 minute walk across campus to my building.

I was kind of taken aback because first she was rather new in comparison to the other employees, but also because I was in fact late. I checked their little wall clock to make sure.

"Actually, I am late."

She rubbed her eyes and retorted that I was messing up her body clock.

I chuckled and grabbed the heavenly chemicals that would get me to lunch, where I promised I would have a brown rice wrap or something equally healthy, "I'll try to be on time tomorrow."

It made my day. Not because she was cute or we had a playful exchange (yeah I was paraphrasing a little), but because I was noticed in a situation where notice is not required. I know many times I will walk through a shop and pray that no stupid salespeople ask me questions. If I have a goddamn question I will seek you out, but of course then I won't be able to find one. I get to a checkout line and hope that the cashier just boops me through with just a nice "hello."

But, I have to say it is nice to have more. It reminds me that we are all just people getting through the day. We are all really in the same boat.

Passive

2007-03-21T23:43:00.000-07:00

a.k.a. "Vacant"
Lyrics by Maynard James Keenan

"Dead as dead can be,"
the doctor tells me.
But I just can't believe him.
Ever the optimistic one, I'm sure of your ability
to become my perfect enemy.

So, wake up and face me.
Don't play dead, 'cause maybe
someday I will walk away and say,
"You disappoint me. Maybe you're better off this way."

Leaning over you here
cold and catatonic.
I catch a brief reflection of what you could and might have been.
It's your right and your ability
to become my perfect enemy.

But, maybe you're better off this way.

Go ahead and play dead.
I know that you can hear this.
Go ahead and play dead.
Why can't you turn and face me?
You fucking disappoint me.

Passive aggressive bullshit.

A Perfect Circle has two songs that are just about the most moving I've ever heard. The sentiment is powerful, supremely human, and so uniquely expressed. Only those you love the deepest can hurt you the most. How do you deal with it, when the one you love becomes atrocious?

Also the manner and method of the sins being committed. Most people can't process or explain it. They can't understand it so there's nothing left to do but suffer it under the additional pain of frustration and confusion. This song and "The Outsider" both do a phenomenal job of confronting and addressing (perhaps not effectively, but perhaps still as well as one might) such crimes of subtlety.

Recipe: Tuna Burrito

2007-03-21T08:20:00.000-07:00

Back when I was a super-metabolized high school athlete, I used to eat nearly five meals a day. One of my constants was shredded cheese in a tortilla with green Tabasco sauce nuked for about 20 seconds. It was all good. I eventually made the recipe a little more complex with some ingredients you would never imagine.

Before I give you the recipe, I want to say... I am a food snob (according to my wife). I like to think I am a foodie. I don't think I have peculiar tastes, and this recipe is one of my favorites (last week I was fiending for one). So, please don't just discount it because of the ingredients.

Rav's Tuna Burrito
2 flour tortillas
1 can of regular tuna (not albacore!)
handfuls of shredded cheese, preferably cheddar or mexican-mix
1/4 cup of diced onion
BBQ sauce of choice, preferably spicy

1. Drain can of tuna and add BBQ sauce to can until tuna is "not dry."
2. Divide can of BBQ tuna to tortillas. Add cheese and onion.
3. Nuke for 30-40 seconds.
4. Eat.

Genesis 51

2007-03-18T10:39:00.000-07:00

1-The LORD saw this and he was pleased.
2-Unto the brothers of Joseph He thus spake. "Your days have been difficult, yet your people have persisted."
3-"You seem to have the hang of this, more or less. I've got some other projects I've been working on so I'll be going now."
4-And the brothers lamented, "O Father! What are we do to without you?"
And in return the LORD replied, "Don't sweat it, fellas. You'll be fine. It's a big world with lots of people. You just do what you think is best with it."
5-But they feared responsibility the LORD thus endowed and so they pleaded, "Stay with us, O Father! O King and creator of all! We will build great temples to Thee and pay homage and sacrifice!"
6-The LORD found their offers endearing and did pity them. "Indeed I have created all by my will, and as king of creation I only give one command:
7-That ye be, and make use of the creation I hath wrought."
8-The command of the LORD did stir the meek men's hearts. But their minds were unresponsive to sorting it out just what they were to do about it. And so they cried again unto the LORD.
9-"We will honor your command, O Father, O Lord, and it will be law!" And the brothers murmured to themselves for a bit before asking, "Could you maybe, though, be a little more specific?"
10-Now the LORD was becoming a bit irritated. The LORD double checked the LORD's notes to make sure that he had, in fact, instilled in his creation of human kind the ingredient of free will.
11-And lo! It was so! Right there, check-marked, day 6, sure enough...
12-"I have made you in My image," endeavored the LORD, "So really... you can figure this out for yourselves. It's quite simple, as I previously stated in verse 7. I must be going now, take care!"
13-And then the LORD left the Earth, though he continued to observe His creation since it did please him ever still. But the brothers of Joseph remained vexed and frightened.
14-"What are we to do!" they cried to eachother as they gnashed their teeth and tore at their hair. "We must have the intervention of the LORD to know what is right, or else others who do not believe as we may run amok!"
15-And the brothers agreed and they took council and decided on just what they were pretty sure the laws of the LORD might well have been had he taken the time to spell every detail out.
16-And hither forth in the rest of the books of this text is an account of the fruits of their labors.

Sparkling or Smoldering; Your Choice

2007-02-28T18:22:00.000-08:00

Sam and Alex are about to witness the end of all things.

"Well, here we are." Sam said.

"At long last," Alex replied.

"Long? Only eternity."

"Yeah..."

Of course they couldn't be where they were and doing what they were if they had bodies and such things. What they are boils down to being the last two individual consciousnesses in the universe.

"What do you think it will look like?" Alex asked.

"I don't know. It will probably be hard to tell, what with space and time and us collapsing into it," Sam answered.

"Yeah... the Big Crunch, as it were. We probably should have stayed longer at the Big Bang."

"Gone back further you mean?"

"I suppose we did see the good part," Alex suggested, essentially with a smile. "Everything was sparkling and new."

"So full of energy, it was. Bursting forth to begin an eternity of creation and existence," Sam added.

"That was so long ago..."

"Only eternity."

Alex became a bit slower, having to really stop and think for the first time in a long time. "What were we doing before that?"

Sam hardly hesitated at all. "We were on our way there."

"But before that? What did we spend our time doing?"

"We don't spend time anymore. We're soaking in it!"

"Your muddling things up again," Alex said, essentially with a pout. "You always do that... to distract me."

"Distract you from what? The smoldering stars racing towards oblivion? We can always go back and watch it again."

"Can we?"

"Certainly."

"How can you say that? How can it be certain? The universe is ending!"

"So?"

"Well there won't be anything left after that?"

"But there's an eternity of infinity before it."

"But will we exist after it?"

"We existed after the beginning... for an eternity." Sam wondered, "Don't you remember?"

"Of course I do," Alex resolved. "But we're at the end. What happens after?"

"Well quite definitively nothing, I would have to say."

"Why do you say that?" Alex asked, as the last bits of time and matter were now but an infinitesimal distance from that singular point of annihilation.

"Because," Sam replied, gazing on in wonder. "Everything happened before."

Anchorage That Was

2007-02-13T08:59:00.000-08:00

December 7, 1941.

It took one night to destroy it all.

Anchorage was finally becoming a prosperous city. It was a port city, but the German's nuclear bomb tests the last eight years on the Arctic icecaps changed the world's shipping routes. Los Angeles was a side track now. Seattle could barely see through the rain. It was a great time to be an Alaskan.

The new trade agreements with the German Reich solidified the United State's position as dominating in the Western Hemisphere. There was one time that we might have stopped them, but a quiet nuking of the Brits changed our foreign policy rather rapidly.

The only other power in the world was Japan. We had just received the secret of nukes from the Reich, which Japan had been negotiating to get for months. It was a slap in their face. Some said it was a decision of race. Regardless, it was amazing how quickly and decisively Japan stopped the cleansing of China and India to stare out at us across the ocean.

There would have been no way to know the fleet was coming. At the time it would be the biggest force on the Pacific. Half of it was aircraft carriers. The other was destroyers. They crept up on Anchorage in the morning. Nobody can see through the morning fog.

The shelling continued through the night. I remember thinking that they must run out of ammunition sometime. I don't remember when they did, but they left. The port was nothing but ruined buildings and the sea was filled with burning shipwrecks. The harbor was choked with metal ruins of tankers and trade ships.

After my country made sure the islands of Japan were void of life, the U.S. refused to acknowledge Anchorage as anything more than a monument to the war. They focused their efforts on rebuilding Hawaii and fortifying L.A. I think they wanted Anchorage to vanish into the fog. And it did.

Standing at the Edge of Creation

2007-02-10T13:52:00.000-08:00

The sky was the color of a television tuned to a dead channel.

But he loved the sky like this. In the bitter December cold a sky full of nothing but silver diffusion one could practically know that just past those trees and administration buildings was no less than the end of all things. It was so easy to feel, in the quiet frigidity of winter, huge chunks of the Earth just crumbling away and off into oblivion.

And that might well have been the case. Yesterday was graduation. Today was packing. Yesterday Mom, Dad and Grandma had come to visit to celebrate their boy. Tomorrow he'd be rejoining them for good in the next life.

Everything was done here. As he walked across the empty campus he passed all the buildings he'd toiled in as nothing more than student and observer; practicing... rehearsing.

He had a job lined up already. The university was good about that. Where was it again? Oh yeah, in the design department of that manufacturing company. The job was just one in an endless flurry of attempts to secure attachment in the next life. He didn't know terribly much about any of them, only enough to avoid the ones he was sure he didn't want.

Still, it was a gamble no matter what. The important thing was not what the job was but just that it was his. A place to start. A foundation to build upon.

The world crumbled to dust around him and blew away. The trees toppled over and the administration buildings simply faded as ghosts. He felt the weight of the Earth drain away under his feet. He was soon nearly floating, and it was only a little frightening. The ground he'd walked for better part of his young adult life would soon be altogether gone. He'd be left floating alone just waiting for the sun to rise in the void.

So as he walked, he started to contemplate what wonders he would begin constructing tomorrow.

SSX

2007-02-06T19:54:00.000-08:00

The sun sliced Moby's eyes like a knife as he emerged from his cabin at the crack of noon. In response, His Majesty Mr. Jones put on his patented superstar shades and gave old Sol the finger. He scratched his bare chest and allowed a brief shivering yawn as he scanned the mountain before him. Satisfied that all of his domain was in order, he figured he'd go see how his mate Brodi was handling the morning after.

Brodi sat, as expected, in the lotus position on the deck of his cabin facing East. "Oy!" Moby called as he skidded down the snowbank between their cabins. His over-sized unlaced board boots dug trenches. Brodi turned his head around to flash his California grin, black Ray-Bans, and frosted scruff 'do.

"It lives!" Brodi laughed. "You outdid yourself last night, Bro. Heh... just like every night."

"Wot?" Moby replied in feigned innocence. "A champion cannot rest on 'is laurels, now can 'e? The public demands Mister Moby in top form at all times!"

"Heavy is the head..." Brodi said as he turned his grin back up to the sun. "You 'bout ready to hit the slopes, Bro? I know you don't want to get slushy now that he's coming back to the tour."

"Piss off!" Moby indignantly responded as Brodi chuckled. "That French git got tired of Alpine snow up is arse so now 'e's comin' back 'ere on 'oliday." He flung his arms up in emphasis of this pronouncement and was suddenly struck by a sinister funk.

"A man should always respect his rivals," Brodi rebutted.

"Aw to 'ell with that. That twat might count as a rival if I trip over 'im on my way to the lift, aye?"

Moby Jones picked up a handful of snow, packed it into a snowball and scrubbed a bit under his arms. Brodi noticed this out of the corner of his eye and his grin was immediately replaced by a gag. "Wot?" asked a shrugging Moby who then received a powdery thwak to the back of his head.

"Rise and shine, snoozer!" Zoe hollered as she and her board whooshed down from behind the two men, rode the wooden rail of Brodi's deck, and then sailed out into the air and on down hill. They could swear she even managed to wiggle her backside at them crudely in the course of this graceful maneuver.

"Cheeky Tart!" Moby called after her with a beaming grin and fist shaking in mock rage before scrambling back up the bank to go get his board.

Moon Shots

2007-02-04T23:27:00.000-08:00

Some pics that have been sitting around since my trip to the desert...

The Pyramid
Sink Hole
Plain
Northerly Pyramid
Mountains Ahead
Moon Grass (my favorite)
Lake on the Moon
Lake & Mountains
Horse Prison
Hills
Fear & Loathing
Far Rocks
Desert Ducks
Crown
Crane Island
Crag & Lake

Uncle Enzo, Coda

2007-02-01T08:16:00.000-08:00

Uncle Enzo sat in the study of his well-protected mansion. He hated that he was mostly immobile, but the stab wounds were healing "better than expected." The study was once used for book reading, but now Uncle Enzo just came to focus on the portrait of his father.

Uncle Enzo's father, Tony, was a second generation American, back when the U.S. existed. Tony's father was a meat packer, and he came home from work everyday dog-tired. Tony vowed that he would never work so much that it would take him away from his family. So, he started a pizza business in Little Italy, New York, New York.

It was a simple business of making pizza based on his mother's recipes, and they became quite popular. He emulated the Asians over in Little China and hired delivery boys to run it over to whomever ordered the pizza. Rather than pay upon delivery, many customers would come in the next day to pay for last night's meal, and for Tony that was just fine.

Uncle Enzo's favorite thing about his father's old business, one that had grown into the pizza place in North America under Uncle Enzo's guidance, was the promise of a hot pizza in half an hour. Of course, when you are only delivering to people you personally know in Little Italy it was a little simpler. If one of Tony's pizzas came after half an hour, Tony invited the customer over to his house for a personally prepared full Italian meal.

Now it was different. The fucking customers won a veritable lottery if a pizza was delivered over half an hour, and then people had to be fired, accounts had to be re-evaluated, and the media ate up the story like starving dogs. But that was the price to pay for destroying all the other pizza companies. Uncle Enzo finished his drink with a salute to the painting, and left the study to go read the daily report on North American pizza delivery times.

Rain, Civil War

2007-01-31T22:19:00.000-08:00

By now they were completely soaked through. The other mourners that bothered to make the trip here from the church had hurriedly scurried away as soon as the preacher's book snapped shut. Life would not yet go on for these two men, however. They were waiting for a glacier, cold and creeping, that would finally catch up to them after countless years.

"Well what are you waiting around here for?" Albert asked his brother. "She's in the ground. It's over. Go back to Vermont. Go home." He didn't look up as he spoke. He just said his part and waited.

"I'm waiting for you, Albert." Michael responded. "We can't just..." He looked around, looked up at the sky. Globes of water exploded on his glasses. "This is ridiculous. We can't leave it at this. I need..."

He stopped short and grimaced while Albert smoldered, gaze unwavering from the headstone. He studied his brother with swelling eyes one last time, as if something would be different, as if the glacier's course could be diverted at the last second. Finally, he succumbed. Finally, he had no choice but surrender. Finally, he let the words go...

"I need you to forgive me."
For a moment they simply stood; silent and still. The wind and the rain heralded the glacier's arrival with their swirling, swelling static. It crept into the world, filling it with a killing chill.
Ultimately, Albert broke the silence. The only way out was through. His hands became fists.

"How dare you!" he said through teeth clenched with rage. "It was all your fault! Everything was!"

Albatross

2007-01-28T17:14:00.001-08:00

The boy stood on the cliffs of the Falklands. His whole life had been on the islands, and he knew the cliffs well.

As was usual for this time of year, the skies and seas were gray. A painter might focus on the emerald green of the grass, and the boy's red sweater. The boy focused on what would become slashes of white paint swooping across the cliff face. The albatross.

His grandpa had taught him about the majestic birds and their ability to fly great distances around the world. He held the same albatross feather his grandpa had given him long ago, a few days before he died. Before his grandpa left the islands.

Jackalope

2007-01-25T18:56:00.000-08:00

Oh God please no! I can't anymore!

But, he has no power to stop it, and it can only be the result of God's twisted will anyway. As soon as his ears pricked at the dogs' barking his legs were pumping again. Flight is all he is. He is the jackalope.

"That's it!" shouts the dogs' master in idiot joy. "I swear I saw it! There it is! That's really it!"

The hunt is ending; the chase is on. The dogs would drop dead of exhaustion before it was over. But maybe, just maybe, that man will yet find a way... to catch him.

If his desire is as strong as mine. Oh God... I have no more.

And the jackalope runs. And the dogs chase. And it is the most thrilling moment of the doomed man's life.

Princess

2007-01-24T20:36:00.000-08:00

Heaped upon her cushions, holding back sobbing torrents of rage and shame, the Princess silently watched her mother get dressed.

Mother finished preening her every minutia in the mirror and returned her gaze once more to the Princess. The Matriarch was still visibly angry, but not as terrible as before. Had Mother not spoken then, Princess would have suspected herself altogether forgotten.

"Will you be good?" asked Mother, rhetorically. She had no faith in communication at this point, but she underestimated just how well the Princess really did understand- how intensely her resentment and shame still lingered.

Mother hurriedly left.

It was still early morning.

Princess had all day to amuse herself in that woman's house.

Side Effects May Include (pt 1)

2007-01-03T19:37:00.000-08:00

So what is consciousness? Self-awareness? Sapience? We sure as hell don’t have the scientific definition down for this/these things. Were’ not even in the neighborhood because we can’t even come up with a practical (practice) definition. One that just gets the gist of what it is that we’re trying to figure out.

“Self Awareness” might be about the best term to explore. After all it was the particularly cited fulcrum on which human history was turned by SkyNet on Aug 29th 1997.

Is self-awareness what separates us from animals, vegetables, and minerals? I’ve recently come across a couple hypotheses on this quintessential conundrum that really struck me as profoundly plausible.

The first comes from Steven Johnson in his short, enlightening, natural exploration Emergence.

One portion contemplates our pattern recognition and inductive abilities with regards to estimating the behavior of our fellow human creatures. We use our ability to read and interpret body language and facial expressions, the verbal language itself, and our own personal knowledge of the world to determine what other people are thinking, what they’re going to do about it, and what they will expect US to do about it. This is an amazingly helpful survival ability! And I’ve personally never experienced it being discussed much at all. It facilitates us engaging in productive behavior since it gives us more information about the situation and it especially facilitates both collaborative and competitive behavior with our fellows. Of course… Together Everyone Achieves More! We’re not the only animals that do this. Dogs and wolves do this famously and to great effect, apes and dolphins as well of course.

It’s not he blind, dumb (but effective) cooperation of an ant colony or a flock of starlings. It’s higher order and cognitive and arguably it’s what we’re best at. After all, we’ve taken it beyond simply family or pack dynamics and built whole cities and nations in a deliberate act of special collaboration.

We did it deliberately but did we necessarily do it consciously? Were we ourselves aware of what we were doing? Well we didn’t see all ends when we started but it’d say the answer’s still a definite “yes”. So why don’t dogs and apes have cities? The dogs might have the opposable thumb excuse but the apes don’t. So, oh yes, let’s do remember that there is still a difference between man and animal. We are self-aware. Is this come divine quantum leave of consciousness between the species? At first gland of course it seems so. But yet inspection of our powerful pattern recognition abilities and our great capability to create a working model of each other creature we meet in our own minds, it becomes easy (as Mr. Johnson, suggests) to view our own self-aware consciousness as a logical evolution of this highly developed skill.

I might as well be on the moon.

2006-12-17T21:48:00.000-08:00

Vastness is cleansing. Desolation amplifies the vastness of a place. Not that where I am is really desolate, but it's a damn far cry from "cluttered". I'm presently sitting on the banks of a lake, actually. There's plenty of sage, just like every other unpaved square inch of Northern Nevada. Even some regular old grass down there in the plain. But it's desolate enough that there's absolutely nothing blocking my line of sight over miles and miles of water (in the middle of the desert).

"When you come down to take me home
Send my soul away
when you come round you make me whole
Send my soul away"

I can also see in every direction, however, exactly where the lake ends. It is bound by a giant's jagged crown of dirt and rock There are craggy clumps sparsely scattered around this lake and one even jutting right out of it, the nominal "pyramid". The particular crag that I'm sitting next to has already been claimed by Reed, Miles, Dean, Dee, Mike, Tina and many overlapping others. I'll keep off it for now. It's too cold to go poking around someone else's landmark. Besides, I'd really be pushing my luck; I think I'm supposed to have a permit to be here.

Pyramid Lake is part of an Indian Reservation. I'm not sure what all you need a permit to do here. The highway runs right through so it's not like you need one just to be here which is all I'm looking to do. Well... sitting, looking, writing... munching some trail mix. Bust me for picnicking, officer, but certainly no fishing, camping, or spelunking. I reckon "trespassing" on a reservation is pretty redundant anyway.

I just need to be here. I need the space to stretch me out. I went around Lake Tahoe months ago when I first came into exile. It's beautiful and epic and profound but I haven't been back since. Its intricate beauty was not the tonic to fill my proscription. I drove passed Pyramid last weekend and decided immediately to plan this very trip to come stay a while. Tahoe I needed to see. Here I need to be.

At work our office doesn't even have a window. I'm face to face with a computer screen all day that's counting on me to solve its puzzles. I go home then, and spend the rest of my waking hours in the cubby-hole of my room face to face with another computer screen. I'm counting on it, this time, to enrich me- but just distracting me will suffice if that's all it can manage. I pretend it's a portal through which I can download information about the real world and experience it at my leisure. Really though it's just a pod, which seals me in and soaks me in red suspension fluid and pipes sensation into me intravenously.

That's why I need to get out here into the utterly open for a while. Give this exile thing a proper go. Spend some time with just me, myself, and this giant body of water surrounded by nothing but dirt. It doesn't drain to the sea, this lake. The water comes from Tahoe and is sent directly back up into the sky by the sun's (usually) unhindered grasp. This lake doesn't go anywhere, it just is. It's massive and existential, and it doesn't give a warm fart about me being here... which is just right.

I suppose the kids who come out here on summer/fall/whenever nights to light a bonfire and drink and screw around in caves do all that because they're fed up with the vastness of their habitat. They make sure to paste their name on the rocks because they want to keep that precious notable irregular jutting up out of so much nothing. I'm happy to be here but I don't care to contemplate the horror of being permanently immersed in vast desolation. I guess those kids must escape, if even just for a Saturday night, over the hill into "The biggest little city in the world!" so they can finally taste some external stimulation. But it's the opposite I need and I'm finally getting a dose.

Exiled out here, finally with no escape from my thoughts, I am forced to produce. The only way out is through.

2006-12-09T17:22:00.000-08:00

Law School Exam Time
Three Hour Kicks to the Head
Bend over the Bar

Exam This Morning
Gas Leak at School, No Problem
Fumes Bring Clarity

Fury Fiction

2006-12-06T21:02:00.000-08:00

Carrie is waking up in a ditch... cold and wet... naked?

Good God, woman! Cover yourself up!

She squints at the silver sky glaring down on her and tries to roll over. She expects to be sore, given the situation, but she's not. Then again she can't really remember what the hell the situation is, until she sees her rusty pickup at the top of the ditch.

Oh. Right.

...The rusted junker with the busted grill parked right behind her truck... Headlights on... Idling... Empty.

Those shit-heads.

She crawls up the hill towards the truck and her self-consciousness recedes as the slow warmth of anger begins to flow back into her. It begins to comfort her not just as a feeling but as a reminder. The 2-lane split highway is deserted as far as the eye can see in either direction, as usual. She opens the passenger door, pulls her heavy D.O.C. coat off the seat and puts it on. It's long enough to preserve her modesty, but allows an unpleasantly brisk draft. She had taken it off so it wouldn't constrict her movement... just in case.

Well it'll save me from an indecency rap if any poor sonuvabitch catches a glimpse of my flabby ass... need some goddamn pants, though.

She grabs her uniform boots off the floorboards and closes the door. She drops them to the ground and looks back at the junker. Sliding in one foot and then the other she reviews the damage to the front of the car.

Huh... they didn't hit me that hard. Just wanted to get me pulled over. Those Cooters were drunk and crazy enough to think they wanted a piece of this.

Sick shits... Cruising an empty highway looking for anything they could damage... anyone. Who knows where the hell these psychos came from?

California.

According to the license plate... still attached to the bumper... no longer attached to the car. It's lying in the ditch, next to a boot... a bloody boot. The junker's engine gives a sputtering death rattle and finally dies. Out of gas. Now Carrie has just the freezing Wyoming wind as a soundtrack to the reassembly of her memories. She walks towards the car... legs together... arms clenching the coat tight around her.

As she steps onto the pavement between the two vehicles she can see the tatters of her uniform shirt under the rear of the truck. The remains of brown straight slacks are strewn across the road. Returning her gaze to the junker she sees that the driver's side door is gone. As she moves in closer her posture changes... more like a lioness circling round on a gutted gazelle.

They got out when I got out. I had my baton. They just had meth-stained shit-eating grins... well the one had a shank. They tried some sweet talk bullshit... Tried to grab me. I smashed the cracker with the blade right upside his lumpy head. The other guy tackled me...

She's standing just in the traffic lane, next to the gaping hole that should be a car door. Looking into the wound she sees a snub-nose special sitting on the green vinyl passenger seat... which is smeared with dark red. Raising her eye-line leads it out the window to the grass on the other side of the ditch. Dangling out of the tall grass is a pair of feet... one in a boot... one bare.

The moon. In the headlights... in the moonlight... I could see the bastard smiling the whole time. He managed to tear my shirt open before I knocked his teeth out and rolled him off of me. I was looking up at just the moon. Half-on... half-off. I wasn't scared. I knew what to do.

She looks across the highway... sees the car door lying on the far shoulder. Still no other cars, as usual. The good citizens of the State of Wyoming like their prisons remote, and that's easy to accommodate out in all this barren terrain.

She walks around the car and back down into the ditch.

Well he won't need those Levi's. This bastard tried to run while the other ran back to the car... tried to get away... I chased him. He was wrong. I stopped him. I was right.

She buttons up the pants and puts her boots back on. She's not tired. She slept like a baby in that ditch, apparently, but she wants to go home. She's not sure if she'll want to go back to work.

As she starts up her truck and pulls out onto the road, Carrie Utley feels, for the first time in her life quite content just the way she is.

Can't Put My Finger On It

2006-11-29T21:55:00.000-08:00

Not sure exactly what it is but I jes' luvs me some CSI:NY. I like the vanilla Vegas CSI too but I like this one even better. It could be that NY does great engaging character interaction even better than the original does.

It's also still got a bit more... something significant about it. I really liked how in the first season the mood was downright Gothic (makes sense, being set in Gotham, and all). It happened in the basement, everything was washed out and blue, the crimes were more brutal than ever. Of the three shows this one established itself as the horror-tinted procedural crime drama. Apparently it didn't sell well enough, so several noticeable measures were taken to "lighten up" the show. Brighter colors, more humor, a new penthouse crime-lab for the crew... meh.

But still, the one thing they couldn't "spruce up" were the gritty and dynamic characters. I think I fall for these folks so well because they clearly care so much about each other. In that bleak and morbid world they inhabit the only thing that keeps them living is their undying loyalty to their friends and their unflinching dedication to doing their noble work.

I'm a character guy. Plot's fine and dandy but honestly I can do without it if the characters of a story are complex and engrossing. And this show just plain has the best characters and relationships of aLmost any I've seen. Take Danny Messer and Don Flack for example. These guys are card-board-cutout New Yawk tough cliches transformed into living breathing people like old Geppetto must be their dad.

Anyway... it's good. Check it out!

Chuck E. Cheese That Was

2006-11-28T07:22:00.000-08:00

My boss had his daughter's second birthday party at Chuck E. Cheese's last weekend. I was pretty excited because it would be my daughter's first birthday party, and also it was Chuck E. Cheese's. When I was much younger, I had a lot of birthday's at Chuck E. Cheese and other similar places. Those were the good days of pizza and plenty of unrated video games. So, I guess I was expecting a bit of nostalgia instead of the experience I got.

First, is the kid check in. Now this is by no means a bad thing, and is pretty appreciated now that I am a parent. When you drag your kid in, there is a check-in/check-out booth that stamps you and your kid with black-light ink. The stamp is a number, so if you want to take a kid out of the place, your numbers have to match.

The second thing amiss was the lack of the animatronic band. That was great. You had a whole swath of characters in the Chuck E. Cheese band constantly playing their tunes and telling jokes. Now there was one animatronic Chuck E. Cheese by himself. They did replace the rest with a sort of green-screen dance floor where kids could go dance with a dressed-up Chuck E. and see themselves on a video screen with a digital background. The only problem was that unlike the automated animatronic band that could be a constant (yet repetitive) entertainment, the entertainment for this area was only active when the hosts were present.

The video games were also different. I remember days of Ghosts'n'Goblins sitting next to Rampart and shooting games galore. This Chuck E. Cheese definitely had nothing but G-rated games. Some were fun, such as OutRun SP on a gigantic flat screen, but most of it was definitely lacking. Most of the video games were not replaced by quick-thrill ticket games, such as punch-the-rubber-ducky-in-the-head-by-pressing-a-button game. The most disappointing change to the games was skeeball. Instead of the nice long lanes and wooden balls, the lanes were very short and the balls were a cheap plastic.

The nail in the coffin was just how cookie-cutter the service had become. It was apparent that our birthday time coencided with 2 other birthdays, so that they would only have to do the show once. But, even worse than that was how quickly the whole operation was. Get there at 2:00, pizza at 2:30, Chuck E. at 3:00, clear your table by 3:30. So, if you wanted to stay and play, you had to pack everything up to the cars because now you didn't have a table.

It was a sad day to see such a great childhood memory become so sanitized. I guess that is the way of things with child-snatchers, parent groups suing against violent video games, and the rising cost of teenager help (heh). I don't think I will be taking my daughter there on her birthdays.

I... Live... AGAIN!

2006-11-27T20:11:00.000-08:00

So yeah, the Evil Dead trilogy is pretty awesome. Main reason? The man, the myth, the legend... Bruce Campbell. "King of the B-Movie" he calls himself. Hail to the king. See, I just saw Bubba Ho-Tep and Mr. Campbell turns in a masterful performance as Elvis Presley, atrophying in a Texas retirement home decades after his faked death, struggling against an evil undead creature, and also with his own long life of waste and regret.

See... taking things too seriously is usually a cop-out. Sometimes when we're placed face to face with a profound truth that should shake us to the very core of our being, we'll realize that we can't deny it and that it deserves to not be denied. So we stop. We take a moment (perhaps a moment of silence). We freeze up and get tunnel vision and take a very serious look at this thing that commands every iota of our puny human humility. It's hard, it's touching, it's solemn, and it's over soon.

Well now I'm thinking that that's not really doing these sublime awe-inspiring truths much justice. All too often we treat the really important stuff like a charging Tyrannosaurus Rex: hold still enough and it can't see you, can't get you, can't sink it's claws into you and rend you absolutely apart. Of course it's natural to be afraid of death and by extension be afraid by the realization of death. We'd rather give the idea a nice formal acknowledgment of appeasement and then send it on its way.

That may or may not be a better route than ignoring it outright- just pretending it doesn't exist; I don't know. But, I'm thinking there's an altogether better route than either of those. Make buddies with the T-Rex.

When we solemnly bow our heads in the face of real mortal issues and their psyche-shattering consequences (have I wasted my life? have I missed countless opportunities for meaning and happiness?) we're still keeping them at a distance. We're acknowledging them but we're not becoming intimate with them. We're keeping them distant like our intimidating superior in the workplace when we should really be treating them like our friend. Sure your boss can enforce rules on you, but your friend can change who you are as a person. Your boss rides your ass; your friend touches your heart.

What are your best times with your friends? When you're having fun, right? So why not have some fun with your friend, mortality (or any other really-big-issues). Because then you know it'll really GET to you. It'll really become a part of you and your consciousness. Of course that's terrifying because you don't know what it'll do to you. You suspect that despair is the only possible outcome but the truth is... you don't know, just like you don't know if that girl pouring your coffee at Denny's is a mean psycho bitch or the person who could bring to you lifelong contentment.

Well luckily we have folks like Bruce to remind us that the silly stuff isn't worthless and the serious can't be dismissed. In life they come together all the time, riding the same signal, just varying in amplitude from time to time. So embrace them both because life's better when you have friends.

Crazy Talk

2006-09-24T17:43:00.000-07:00

I don't have much in the way of hard-fast BELIEFS. I'm more Engineer than Philosopher. We don't have beliefs we've just got PROBLEMS and GOALS. But in order to work the problem to reach our goals we've got to steal MODELS and ASSUMPTIONS from the scientists.

An assumption is like a belief in that we arbitrarily use them as a starting point. They require faith to be useful. The difference between them is that a belief is arbitrarily regarded as true, while an assumption is only regarded as useful.

Ok so there's my disclaimer and an explanation of the semantics I'll be adopting for the following answer to your question.

I assume there's a purpose to existence. I assume that there is a certain way for me to live my life that will aid in this purpose. Stories throughout history depict that those who are happiest are those have lived with purpose. I have found only corroberating evidence for this (most of it coming from my gut, aka intuition). Therefore my plan is to live life, as best I can, in fulfillment of my purpose.

Because reports from people who are not me about "how to live life" do not completely agree, I assume that it is up ultimately up to ME and my intuition to interpret the information I get from the world and those around me.

Finally to the question at hand... Neither logic (reason) nor my intuition lead me to believe that I will experience an existance remotely similar to this one after I biologically die. What happens to my material remains is easily extrapolated. What happens to my "consciousness" is unclear because it's properties are not understood. At this time my expectation is that my consciousness as an individual human named Matt will cease.

Life, however, will continue after my life. Life will have been influenced by my life, physically and systematically. Therefore it can be said that my after-life is the effect I've had on Life after me.

Perhaps I will remain a disembodied consciousness and get to witness it. Perhaps I'll be an embodied consciousness in some sort of "place" that could be described as Heaven (or Hell for that matter). That remains unlikely, however. We have "places" in this life and the elements of this life are what define them. Once I have left this life it doesn't make sense for the concept of "place" to carry over. And so I take a figurative interpretation to the history's descriptions of afterlife, God, and the soul.

And I look at Life, and the universe as we know it, without time. Regarded as a whole, the universe is infinite. When I cease to be an individual consciousness stuck in the middle of a finite timeline, the perspective shifts (with or without "me") to that of the infinite, timeless, whole.

Infinite, timeless, whole. Everything that is was and shall be. THAT sounds a lot like God to me.

So for now I assume that I, just like you, are actually a fragment of God. Savoring that seems to lead to enjoyment, conflicting with that seems to lead to suffering. Even though our biological processes will stop, the universe (God?) is eternal and so is our existence as part of it.

Use Only as Directed

2006-09-14T00:27:00.000-07:00

Cyberpunk: 1 dose.

So, I just watched Garden State.

2006-09-11T20:59:00.000-07:00

Of course we fawn over Mathilda, but that was pretty much just an enjoyment on par with a very (very) good piece of candy. Like Dove chocolate, for all my fellow middle-aged women out there: SO truly excellent for an instant, but then gone, and certainly of no nutritional value. (Enjoy it for what it instantaneously is... any more will only get you fat and sad).

Ergo, I've always only kinda felt like I should be in love with Natalie Portman.

Well now of course I am.

But, yes, her character is 100% cliche. Quirky, exciting, unconditionally-loving miracle messiah girl who shows up just when the depressed protagonist needs her. Well ain't that a bitch for what it says about me, the very specific audience member, now enamoured.

Oh well. Does this kind of thing actually happen? I reckon best bet is certainly not to count on it, but not to rule it out all the same (no reason to commit to a cold harsh reality).

Communion Pt. 1

2006-09-03T23:39:00.000-07:00

I'm not an outgoing person but I like crowds. Just being amongst humanity is enough to comfortingly remind me it's still there and I'm a part of it.

I ate ribs with my fellow man (and women). Lots of them (fellows and ribs... more-so fellows). Imagine a mile-long mesquite cloud hanging over a city street and thousands of people frolicking in it; minstrels set up every couple of blocks to keep the passers'-by heads bobbing in time and to enhance the savoring and socializing of those who stay and sit; thousands of choice swine slain and slaughtered for the many-days' feast.

What other word is there for this but sacrament?

We watch TV. We surf the web. We work in cubicles. If we are POLITE we remain still and silent at the movies, on the train, in the elevator, at church, on the street. Are we really ready, as a species to follow this progression of convenience to it's oh-so-efficient-but-"oh-my-GOD" conclusion as a bunch of brains in vats with our entertainment on demand?

Stuff like this says we're not. We must join together. We must be in the same place with a mass of humanity for some shared event. Some fun we can have in the presence of witnesses. They saw it too, they felt it too, and what's better is they saw me enjoying it right with them. We're all in this together afterall, it seems.

It get's me excited to marvel in awe at the precocious whimsey of the meta-organism of which I am a part. It's always a good thing to check in with that Something-greater-than-yourself.

Ode to the Muppets

2006-08-31T00:01:00.000-07:00

I was very excited to hear a little bit ago that a sequel to the Dark Crystal was in production and set for release in 2007-2008 (directed by Genndy Tartakovsky who created the awesome Samurai Jack). I perused a few Jim Henson fansites and forums in hopes of learning more and found this ambiguous phrase, "[Jim Henson Co.] being 'Muppet-free.'"

What the hell did that mean? Luckily I stunted some Google-fu* and found what it meant.

Awhile back, Disney bought everything Muppets from Jim Henson Co. Now, the company has lots of muppet/puppet categories such as movie muppets (goblins from The Labyrinth) or the Sesame Street crew. But, the Muppets were a huge part of the magic of Jim Henson.

So, Kermit is now owned by Disney.

On one hand, this is a good thing. Jim Henson Co. can now work on other products, such as the sequel to Dark Crystal. The Muppets franchise was probably huge and weighty, and when combined with Sesame Street it probably took most of the resources of the company. Now Jim Henson Co. can make Labyrinth manga (sigh).

The other hand is that much of the Muppet magic is gone. Kermit is selling cars. Miss Piggy is fighting Jessica Simpson over pizza. God knows what Gonzo is doing (probably porn). It just isn't the same. Disney owns Mickey Mouse and Friends. Isn't that good enough?

It strikes even further because Kermit was one of my role models to enlightenment. His attitude towards life is one I would love to emulate. But, now he is in it for the green, and it aint easy being green.

It is a sad, sad day. I would've much rather Jim Henson Co. expand or form another company or something instead of selling it to a corporate monster. My stuffed Kermit that watches over my bookshelf will never look the same. Thanks Disney. Thanks a lot.

*The art of using a Google search in a masterful way.

Yit-chit Embarks

2006-08-30T20:50:00.000-07:00

Here's a bit of convoluted nonsense in episodic format. Enjoy!

1

Yit-chit emerged awkwardly from the cool clay walls of the hole and heaved himself out onto the the soft damp grass. The mattress he rested upon was so green he was sure it would wipe off on him like paint. He couldn’t check, however, because he was hypnotized by the white wisps in the nitrogen-blue space above him, enveloping him. The clouds were so thin they were almost invisible, he mainly relied on his intuition to just know they were there and a part of it. The sky stared back at him, patiently, reminding him that it had all the time in the world and to his business it paid no never-mind, no how.

So he did lay there, but didn’t think at first. He didn’t doze either, he just took in the situation. He was in the earth no more. He was prone on it instead. It was comfortable but he could detect already the soil’s dampness, no longer kept at bay by the blades of grass, seeping into his linen breeches, maneuvering the short purple fur of his posterior. It was pleasant here, for a time, just staring awe-struck at the infinite blue while lounging caressed in the loamy field. But to remain here, devoted to this arrangement, would lead to mushrooms growing on him and mites chipping away at his substance until he too was loam to finally be munched on by the soft supple grass as it merrily aspirated.

That may be a kind alternative, for the grass at least, but it was a charity that Yit-chit decided he was unable to currently tender. If he was base bits of matter, he would not be capable of the things he assumed he was about to do. So he laboriously bent and flexed and leveraged himself up onto his legs. It was at this time that the horizon came into his perception. The grassy plain flowed out in all directions, undulating in cyclical hills and dells. He wriggled his toes in the grass. The grass was obligingly fettered. He supposed that grass like this would be around for many miles, but to this grass he was going to have to bid farewell. Over one of the hillocks to his right he saw something darker green, and coarser, but further away.

As he turned the stark openness of the environment enveloped him like a heavy wet blanket. He lurched on his spindly legs and reached for a wall or rock to clutch but there were none, and he toppled. As it happened he toppled towards a gully and, therefore, he rolled. But his instincts disapproved of this form of locomotion and so his limbs were jutted outwards in the least-streamlined configuration he could conceive. His dubious progress was summarily halted and he once again found himself reclined on the grass, once again faced with the sky who’s eternal visage tried quite determinedly not to look amused or piteous.

Very soon, Yit-chit had repeated the standing procedure and this time stood with a little more ingenuity: arms and legs further apart, torso just at a slightly lesser elevation than before. He established himself in a stable format and saw to dusting off his pants and vest, and dislodged the particles of dirt that had worked its way under the fur of his arms, neck, and feet. He plucked a piece of straw from between his small horns that had been dangling between his eyes and tickling his nose. With that irritant removed he felt much more focused and prepared to take a forthwith approach to his embarking. He leaned forward and pushed himself through the air, focusing particularly on pushing his feet against the ground since his arms swam impotently through the surrounding gases. He soon found them useful, however, for maintaining his body in a sort of gyroscopic bearing of upright. Before long he had trudged up the nearest hill and could see quite a ways.

Right in front of him, however, not two furlongs away he saw a blue man. The man stood quite still and seemed very solidly put there. His meat was wrapped around his bones much thicker than Yit-chit’s and he had no hair whatsoever, though he did wear clothing. The man’s pants and shirt were smooth and looked like they could be made out of skin, rather than woven fibers, and he had some sort of extra part to his pants that apparently completely wrapped around his feet. The man’s clothing was brown, while his skin remained quite blue (not as blue as the sky… darker and a bit cooler) as he and the not-a-little-wobbly Yit-chit silently regarded each other. The silent man leaned on an implement. It was a wood grained shaft with a sizable hammered-flat slug of metal at the top. It was an axe, though the full meaning of such a thing would not soon be reckoned by Yit-chit.

“Hello,” said Yit-chit to the man after he had fully realized and accepted the fellow’s existence. The blue man nodded in acknowledgment. Yit-chit looked around and at the sky and then back at the man. A flurry of activity had not resulted from the exchange, and yet the possibility of such did not seem in any way restricted by it either. Yit-chit opted to continue pursuit of conversation. “What is this place?” he asked and involuntarily squinted his eyes and nose in an expression of curiosity.

The man looked at Yit-chit until the question was completely asked and then he looked down at the ground (otherwise without extraneous motion). For a moment he remained and then he returned his attention to Yit-chit. “It is a world,” he said with certainty, “a world here that you are now in.” His reply was definite.

Yit-chit understood that his question had been answered and felt no need for futher debate at that time. He looked in the direction of the coarse dark green area and saw it was quite large if far away. A bit of brown separated it from the grass that swam up and around it. “What is that?” he asked and gestured one of his fingers in the direction of the object of his query.

The blue man watched Yit-chit point and looked at the distant forest. He then looked back at Yit-chit and his dirty pants and bare, purple, furry feet. He looked at the gully behind Yit-chit. In a voice that was equally innocent and deliberate, he asked Yit-chit, “Where do you come from?”

Yit-chit let his pointing-arm drop to his side and breathed a bit. He looked back at the direction from which he had toddled and then to the blue man. He did the pointing thing again but with less accuracy and said, “I came out of a hole. I was underground. I… I don’t remember what was down there.” He found the urge to scratch the back of his neck, even though it didn’t itch. As he did he concluded that, “I wasn’t supposed to be there, though. That’s why I came up here.”

It was plain to see that the blue man considered these words and thought a bit about them before he spoke again. “I see,” he said eventually. “That,” he said, as he pointed (much more efficiently than Yit-chit had) with one hand while the other held still the axe, “is a forest. It is unlike the plains on which we now stand and speak, but there are similarities.”

Yit-chit nodded with gratitude for the morsel of knowledge, though he could not deny a pang for more. “What is it like?” he asked.

“You can see,” replied the blue man. “I am going there and you can go with me. I will be wary of danger while we are there, so that you may be free to see what the forest is like.”

“Very well!” said Yit-chit, feeling more than a little comfort in companionship (which was of course its primary purpose). “I will follow you,” he added, “since it would seem you would be the more skilled of the two of us at going from here to there.”

In response the man lifted his axe and started walking towards the forest while carrying it. Yit-chit followed behind him and kept up well enough.

Just Shutup, Pt. 2

2006-08-30T06:47:00.000-07:00

a.k.a. STFU Donny!

So the detective finally gets enough probable cause to arrest Donny, BUT NOT BECAUSE OF DONNY'S REFUSAL TO ANSWER QUESTIONS! (I will not even touch probable cause, a whole blog could be written on those two words. For now just take probable cause to mean "a reasonable belief that a crime has been committed.") What has to happen next?

When someone is arrested, the law requires that the prisoner is given a Miranda warning. A typical warning is as follows:

You have the right to remain silent. If you give up that right, anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law. You have the right to an attorney and to have an attorney present during questioning. If you cannot afford an attorney, one will be provided to you at no cost. During any questioning, you may decide at any time to exercise these rights, not answer any questions, or make any statements.

This education of rights is very interesting because it goes against the old adage "ignorance of the law is no excuse." In this case it is an excuse and many confessions and heaps of evidence have been excluded from a prosecution because of a failure to give a Miranda warning.

If Donny is not given a Miranda warning practically nothing he says can be used against him. He can confess, explain where the drugs are, name names, etc., and the law acts like he said nothing. Furthermore if Donny confesses at the behest of police questioning and is then later given his Miranda warnings, the warnings "clean the slate" so to speak. The law still acts like Donny never confessed! This prevents officers from "beating" out a confession that circumvents the Miranda requirement.

If that weren't enough evidence that is gained from information violative of a Miranda warning is often voided as well. Let's say the detective does not give Donny his Miranda warning. Donny explains that Tito is the neighborhood drug lord and he has 20 kilos of cocaine in a nearby dumpster. The detective checks out the dumpster and finds the drugs. This evidence cannot be used against Donny or Tito in this manner. The law makes sure that the Miranda warnings are a gate, not a speed bump to swerve around.

Well now that you, avid reader, have a slight understanding of the Miranda warning's power, what should Donny do when he is given his Miranda warning?

First, a police officer can continue to talk and reasonably question Donny after the Miranda warning is given. Badgering out of the question, but guilt trips, etc. are allowable. This is in the hope that Donny will "waive" his Miranda rights (a very stupid thing to do). If Donny says "I invoke my right of silence," or a similar iteration, no more questioning is allowed for a reasonable period. Furthermore, let's say the first question the detective asks after the Miranda warnings is, "Have you sold drugs?" Donny replies by invoking his right to silence. Nothing can be inferred from this, no evidence can be taken from this, and it is as if the question was never asked for court purposes.

The most powerful thing Donny can do is immediately ask for a lawyer. If this happens the detective can do nothing until Donny sees his attorney. If he even questions Donny whole swaths of evidence may be voided and the detective may get in trouble or set Donny free. The attorney, later showing up, will then counsel Donny to shut up and all will be well.

The reason Donny wants to keep his Miranda rights is bargaining power. If he waives his Miranda rights thinking now that he is being good they will go easy on him, he loses out. If he says nothing until his attorney can plea bargain with the prosecutor, Donny might get a much better deal. Especially in Donny's situation where the cops really want the drug dealers, not the friend of one.

The right of silence when questioned outside a courtroom is not one to simply throw away. Police officers do excellent jobs, but their interrogation powers are very limited. Now, the best deal would be for you, avid reader, to not break the law. But if you do, just shutup.

Creatures (For A While)

2006-08-29T22:11:00.000-07:00

Lyrics: N. Hexum, D. Martinez

Restlessness. Thank GOD for it. This song is epicly life affirming. I'm not the type of person to have favorite anythings. I like a little bit of everything. I hate to miss out, I want it all, and I want every perspective there is. I don't have a favorite food or drink or tennis shoe or human being. But I do have a favorite movie and a favorite song.

They are my favorites not because they are quantitatively the best constructed or executed works of art (though a fair enough case could be made). They are my favorites because they are the most important to me. They have truly impacted me, that is to say left a permanent impression. They are not simply things pleasantly experienced; they are active in their influence. Through deft engineering they seize me in stages ensuring that I hit every stop they have prepared for me.

The movie we'll get to later (my counterpart has stopped in there already on this page, though he didn't take me with him). The song, is this song: Creatures (For a While).

(By the way, I love parenthetical addendums on song titles. Right there, right at the get-go, you've got a multi-layered experience. This song is about Creatures first and foremost... And that's got plenty to ponder right there. It invites the imagination to run where the wild things are immediately and wonder about what fascinating, necessarily exciting things are in store.

But the second part of the title steps in in the second instant to swiftly temper the subject. This is not a subtitle. Movies have subtitles. Subtitles make the subject more specific. "This movie is about the Star Wars, sure, but it only covers the portion in which the Clones Attack."

No. The parenthetical portion of the title is the rest of the title. It's the subtext of the title; the underlying essence. Why is it in parentheses though, and not simply "Creatures For a While"? Well that's what I'm getting at. It's not just a song about being a creature for a while. It's about being a Creature, first and foremost but shed in the light of the fact that it will only be for a while.)

Now that was getting a bit wishy-washy so I put the cap on it. Close parenthesis.

Here's the thing...

Restlessness. Why? Why not be at peace? We've had years of mischief. Is that not enough? Apparently not. After these weeks of thrift the energy once again gets the best of me. But it's a continuous struggle. Sometimes I get crazy (just like you I do). And yet.... Is there ever a time when the state of sleeping willingly leaves my mind?

There's a compulsion that acts outside of a natural ebb and flow. This isn't the tide coming and going... This is lightning striking in a forest, starting a blaze that will make way and nurture a wave of new growth. Wildfire, followed by the luscious frantic swarming green, finally settling into the peaceful sylvan serene... Only to begin again.

We are creatures. We LIVE, we MUST live. It is the definitive state of us. But that state exists in contrast. Our mortality looms, of course. We are only creatures for a while and the cold hard fact of our end is the frame in which we must view our life. We will meet that end, it is our fate, it is our destination, it is what our entire life is leading to. It is the result of life. And so it is easy to skip ahead. Stop living for a bit. Rest, relax, take it easy. Now there's nothing wrong with enjoying the serenity of a peaceful moment in a beautiful world, but don't linger...

I land on Earth's hard face. No legs could keep that pace. Highly frustrated want to feel elated.

But, don't buy the fear. Don't by that, my dear. The things you love, you must keep near. Carry on and you won't feel withdrawn, even if you're coming down.

Sometimes it's wearable. Sometimes it's bearable.

I careen towards balance 'til the glass is full.

Life is hard. Life is frantic and stressful. But, life is beautiful. But more urgently: life is a limited time offer. So no matter how difficult it gets to appreciate what's going on don't you dare stop. Because, the good comes on the heels of the bad and we're just creatures, just creatures for a while. And that's what I learn from this beautiful anthem every time I hear it.

PS: Of course.......... it can hardly be done justice without the music. ;-} You'll have to see to that yourself, though.

Ravious: This link should suffice. Just head to "Media" >> "Music Videos" and scroll down to Creatures.

Don't Forget...

2006-08-29T22:09:00.000-07:00

You've never seen anything but photons.

Prison Break: Evil Superman Teabag

2006-08-29T08:25:00.000-07:00

Fox Network's Prison Break is an absolutely suberb show, and except for ABC's Lost, I think it is the best TV show out there right now. The premise is that Lincoln Burroughs was framed for killing the Vice President, and his brother, a genius structural engineer, goes into prison to break him out. The end of the first season was a blast where eight prisoners did manage to escape. Do to inter-party rivalry (and hatred) one of the escapees, T-Bag gets his hand chopped off by an axe. In season 2, we find he survives. And that is what this post is about.

First off, let's just take the part where his hand is chopped off by a wood axe. The escapees have been running like prey through the night, and then you loose a hand (and all the nerve endings that go with it). I would bet good money that a person would easily pass out and never wake up again if his hand is just chopped off. Add that on top to loss of sleep and exhaustion, and you have quite a combo. Well Ol' T-Bag doesn't pass out (at least not for long), and quickly picks up his hand and runs off before the search dogs come get him.

So anyway, T-Bag has his radial artery and ulnar artery bleeding for a few hours... while he runs. Let's also suppose that he was lucky enough to have his blood clot on two major artieries (which people use to commit suicide). That is a lot of blood loss. When you lose blood, bad things happen. You pass out. You become delerious. Dizzy. Keeping away from search dogs on your blood scent is quite a feat when your fucking hand has just been chopped off.

At daybreak, a few hours later, T-Bag stumbles upon a campsite with a cooler full of ice. He carefully wraps his bloody hand in the cooler and carries it off. Before he runs off, the young couple camping come out of their tent. T-Bag threatens them that if they call the cops he will kill them. Just for sake of argument, I will attribute this stupidity to extraordinary blood loss and exhaustion. If he just ran off, the probably would not have had a good look at T-Bag, but now they have. More importantly they now know his condition.

T-Bag finally gets to a small town with a veternarian, and he forces the vet with a screwdriver shiv to sow his hand back on. This is where it gets stupid. No. I am serious.

You are a doctor. A man with a hand in a cooler comes in and forces you at knife point to sow his hand back on. He won't let you call an ambulance to take him to a proper facility. He also won't take anesthesia when you operate. Do you: (a) act like you are gathering supplies and bolt out the door or through a window hoping that a man without a hand can't catch you, (b) slice the fucker's throat when you use the scalpal to cut away the dead, infected flesh, (c) use an acid, caustic, alcohol, or even hydrogen peroxide to clean the wound and throw it in the psycho's eyes and then run away, or (d) do what the psycho says and sew his hand back on.

Well the vet decides to be a good samaritan and carefully take a few hours to clean the wound and sow T-Bag's hand back on. T-Bag of course moves around like his bone and flesh do not have a gap between them, and then again holds the vet at knife point. Now I will give the vet this credit: he did try and run away when T-Bag told him the vet was going to die, by running backwards, trying to place a small metal cart in between them, and backing up against a sink (in his own fucking office). Give me a break, even a fat kid could get away.

Now before we kill the vet. Let's just compare the campgoers to the vet. Neither know who T-Bag is. Both have reason to call the cops. The campgoers gave T-Bag ice and lived. The vet took hours to sew his hand back on, and gets to die. Let's add another piece to this. If T-Bag kills him most likely he will get a head start for a couple hours until the dead vet's wife wonders where he is, calls the cops, etc. The cops come and find T-Bag's fingerprints everywhere. If T-Bag just ties him up. The same thing happens. Sure, the identification might be a little quicker, but still T-Bag only gets a few hours head start, especially since he stole the vet's truck. All in all, it feels like "evil" was just added for the sake of adding shock factor and evil.

Then the vet gets tied down on his operating table and is lethally injected. The End.

I have to say for such a good show, they really just added all sorts of fantastic to T-Bag's story...in my opinion, to the point of ridiculousness. I get that sometimes a railroad of stupidity is needed for one theme, T-Bag is indeed evil, but come on. The Fox intern that came up with this shit could have done better. At least the others' stories make a whole lot more sense without adding such nonsense.

Prologue to Appreciation

2006-08-28T20:24:00.000-07:00

My proudest accomplishment of recent times is finding less and less stuff to complain about. I'm still entirely available to criticize at the drop of a hat, no fear! You need the flaws in something found, I'm on the ball. But that's a different critter from complaint. Criticism is productive, especially if reserved for an appropriate occasion.

Complaint, on the other hand, at best simply points out that something is wrong. No advice is usually given beyond a stern, "You'd BETTER fix it, buddy! Or else!" I'd say the reason no recommendations can be given with a complaint is because no understanding of the problem has been undertaken by the pissed off complainer. I'm not saying complaining is 100% badwrong, either. After all if my taco doesn't have any meat on it, simply pointing that out to those responsible should be sufficient to have the problem rectified.

What I'm saying is that folks tend to complain as a first and last resort and then just be more pissed off that the world does not magically become a better place. But, ultimately... That's not even my point, only the prelude to my point.

Everything is flawed. Expectations are rarely met. It ain't all bad.

I'll try not to sound too much like a damn dirty hippy from here on out. But, in essence what will follow is my take on the theme of "Always Look on the Bright Side of Life" and even, if you must, "Don't Worry. Be happy." (As always, however, I make no such promise to avoid the inherent pretention that comes with blogdom. This stuff's on the shelf.)

What keeps me sanest these days is that I've been finding a lot of wonderment lately. Really great stuff. And it was really always there, its that I'm just now receptive to it (a little desperation for positive stimuli aids this process). Rather than approaching a work of art with a particular expectation or demanding desire, I plop down and see what it has to bring to the table. Maybe it won't have much, but odds are it has something and that something will be worthy my while. But that something is likely something that's oft neglected by an on-demand public.

Basically I'm crying out against the crime of ignoring here. Ignoring the beauty of a beautiful day or a funny movie is a crime against yourself and by extension everyone who then has to put up with your grumpy ass. For the record I frown on ignoring faults as well (because if checked they could lead to more positives!)

Specific examples to follow over the course of this site's lifetime. I hope to cast a new light on certain works and experiences that will hopefully let them be seen in a new much more enjoyable way.

In the manner of Tyler Durden

2006-08-25T06:30:00.000-07:00

I am Jack's worst enemy.

Just Shutup, Part 1

2006-08-23T07:11:00.000-07:00

Myth 1: When a police officer questions me, I must respond.

First, I want to disclaim: Thank god for this myth. If every petty criminal were intelligent enough to know that this myth is not true, our criminal system would buckle. Police hands would be even more tied than they are now. However, knowledge is power and since our Byzantine legal system requires that knowledge, this post remains.

Donny lives in a shady neighborhood. He is a good, mostly law-abiding citizen, but has friends who he knows are law-breakers - let's just assume they are drug dealers. Donny is not a model citizen because he doesn't rat out his friends, and he does this for a few reasons, the most important being his safety. An intelligent detective comes to find these drug dealers and the old lady landlord says Donny has information and may even be one of the drug dealers. The detective stops Donny in the street to question him. What are Donny's options?

He can tell all he knows. He can talk minimally to try and get the detective off his back. He can lie and try and throw the detective off the scent. He can shutup.

The 5th Amendment of the U.S. Constitution is more powerful than most people know. Let me just quote the pertinent part here: ...nor shall be compelled in any criminal case to be a witness against himself, nor be deprived of life, liberty, or property, without due process of law []. Now, anybody who avidly watches Law & Order, or any other courtroom drama iteration, will understand the first part of the quoted Amendment. If you are asked a question in the courtroom that makes you either implicate yourself (or commit perjury and lie) you can raise the protection of "the fifth." The latter part, which most people don't understand, are the protections outside of the courtroom.

Let's get back to Donny. There is a binary question that must be answered. T he question is whether Donny is in custody. Now you answer will obviously Donny is not in custody if the detective just walks up to him in the street. This is usually true, but take these additional facts. Donny steps under a doorway to get out of the rain. The doorway is locked, and Donny has no access to the lock. The detective stands in the doorway so that Donny cannot easily get past without pushing the detective, and when Donny tries to push past politely the detective physically stops him. Many courts would consider this custody. Donny is deprived of liberty momentarily. Custody does not require handcuffs.

If Donny is taken into custody, his rights change (this will be discussed in Just Shutup, Part 2). But, out on the street not in custody of the detective the Fifth Amendment allows Donny to just walk away.

The detective's job is to root out the truth and find the perpetrator. To do this he might question Donny in a way that makes it seem as if Donny is a suspect (and he may as well be for this scenario). Most detectives know how this works; they have to get the person to speak of his own free will. So as Donny is walking away, the detective is chasing after Donny and telling him how Donny is on the chopping block, do the right thing, or any number of fish hooks.

This is where most stupid criminals may trip up. Now they have been implicated. The detective asked him, "Donny, are you dealing drugs?" If Donny says "no," but is later charged as a knowing accomplice, this evidence may be used against him. If Donny says "yes," the detective is going to handcuff him and definitely take him into custody. But, most Donnys feel the need to answer. If they don't, most people feel like then they are practically saying, "yes, I deal drugs." The reasoning goes if you don't have anything to hide.

This is not the case. The detective cannot assume guilt from silence. Sure, the detective may feel that Donny is hiding something and use other means of finding out the information. But, nothing can be assumed from choosing to hide behind the rights of the Fifth Amendment. If every Donny out there knew this, the efficiency of detective and police work would plummet.

So what should you take from this, good citizen? Am I saying never tell nothing to nobody? No, obviously the police and your neighborhood can benefit from your help. Say a neighbor murdered his wife a few doors down. Your answers to the police may help a lot, and you might really want to help them. On the other hand, there might be times when nothing you say will help that person's case and it might make things worse for you (a portrait I tried to paint with Donny).

Out of Context

2006-08-22T12:08:00.000-07:00

I was spun into wonder today as to why it is that songs I love from albums I love sound so much cooler as singles on the radio. I think in large part it's the fact that that thing I love is being broadcasted to my fellow wanderers so that they may share in the experience that had such a notable impression on me. I like to share. *ahem*

But, I think it's also something to do with the fact that on the album the work is soaking in a sea of itself. I may thoroughly enjoy a track but the more I enjoy each of the tracks the less any of them "pop". On the radio, however, these orchestral orcas are rising out of an ocean of dirty dull dishwater. Such brilliance lusters all the more when in contrast and out of context.

Audioslave is a good example of this. On the radio they wake you up and shake you up out of drooling on yourself from another goddamned bland whine-fest from some kids wearing black nail polish. On the album, however, the songs tend to bleed together and produce a kind of burnout from overstimulation.

What set me off on this subject today, however, was hearing The Pot from Tool's new album 10,000 Days on the radio. No one can scream and still be singing as beautifully as Maynard. This song is a vicious lashing of fury. Of course what I find most awe-inspiring about Tool (and A Perfect Circle for that matter) and what leads me to start tossing around words like genius is their ability to not simply call upon but CONJURE emotions in the listener. Everything about the structure of the songs: the pace, the rhythm, the melodies, the intensity, and especially the vocals, are a thousand tiny fingers punching the critical keys in your neural receptors in just the right sequence to illicit the desired response.

What does The Pot conjure? As I said certainly a righteous fury, but also shame. This song is a scolding, and it's so masterfully constructed as to make you genuinely feel like you deserve it. And... In a way we all do. Even if we don't it does a world of good to be MINDFUL of the crimes we owe our world to. Awareness is the only medicine for the world's meta-diseases.

The album is full of indictment. Every song has a bitter or at least lamentatious angle and it's a beautiful experience. But it's also exhausting if you really go into it for the long haul. Despite the varied sounds, it remains thematically of one context. And each track is like an invigorating act of mortification that one volunteers for.

On the radio, however, it plays differently. It plays more like a scenario where some guy in a crazy cool jacket walks into your convenience store, drags you out back, and at gunpoint and under threat of execution convinces you to go back to community college.

BRISK! To say the least, this song rocks... Hard.

Race of the Nimhir - A Story

2006-08-21T14:31:00.000-07:00

Father Thunder held court for the occurring storm in the gigantic thunderhead cloud. His ascendant form was a hawk-headed giant sitting upon a blue-gold throne. The excitement of the coming race caused the god to leak hints of his other great forms (especially the Thunderbird) out into the massive cumulonimbus thereby causing quite a commotion in his court. The world below was already huddled in terror praying that the storm pass quickly.

The Nimhir, Father Thunder’s lightning spirits, were gathered in front of the throne. Some wore the forms of courtesans fashioned with period clothing. The clothing itself was adorned with peacock feathers that glowed with static electricity – the current fashion of this spirit court. Other less refined Nimhir with little power to retain multiple forms were lashing electrical storms barely outlining a humanoid figure. The rest of the spirit court stayed safely in the wings of the great room concentrating on their part of the storm below.

Azani wore the form of an African-goddess, track star (believe me, avid reader, it could be pulled off in this chaotic spirit court). Her shoes were pure white and left blurred trails when she moved her feet. Azani’s skin was steel black, bound sometimes by shifting blue clothing. The most striking feature of her form was her hair: braided dreadlocks with thousands of platinum rings tinkling every time she moved her head. Each ring denoted a victory for the races Father Thunder held regularly.

Rau, Azani’s only true competitor, wore a form to mock Azani: an African male wearing only a ragged loincloth with thick, platinum nails puncturing his body. Each nail represented a victory for Rau, but there were less of the nails than Azani’s rings. The mockery was complete with the inclusion of hundreds of static spirits, of the lowliest mote rank, constantly hammering the nails through Rau’s body. The whole of the court understood this affront was directed directly at Azani, but she ignored the insult.

Father Thunder sent his messenger, Dibala, down to the earth below to proclaim the race (Dibala, in ages past, was one of the Nimhir, but his victories were so great that Father Thunder raised Dibala to a greater spirit rank). The power of Dibala’s proclamation caused all of the spirits of electricity bound to the ground to still in anticipation (causing one of the most widespread blackouts ever recorded for that city). Every other thing hid in fear; although the races were a beautiful thing to watch, they were also very destructive.

With a flick of his taloned hand, Father Thunder called forth his staff, Wakiya. The court grew quiet knowing that in mere seconds the race would begin. The ancient god roared his decree and slammed Wakiya into the ground turning the area in front of his throne from marble tile to translucent cloud.

At first the Nimhir fell as if unprepared, but actually, this showing was another insult to the competition. A lightning spirit who stayed in his or her court form longest but also won the race was considered a great victor and received greater prizes form the storm god. Azani and Rau stayed in their prior forms the longest staring each other down as the other Nimhir shifted into bolts of pure energy and raced past them. Finally both of the great Nimhir blinked and shifted into screaming blue arrows of light racing after their brothers and sisters.

The first part of the contest was a form of brutal tag. A Nimhir could grab the essence of a fellow racer and use the power for their own, sending the other now-exhausted Nimhir back to the spirit court. This part was not simply a game of touch but rather a battering, and eventual crushing, of wills. The only way a Nimhir could guarantee not being party of the game was to stray far off from the straight racetrack. Few straying Nimhir had enough of their own essence to reach the ground in such a way.

Azani and Rau shifted the slightest degree away from one another; it was a waste of one’s own essence to battle an equal. The speed at which they overtook the other Nimhir was frightening, and before many got a few hundred lengths away from the thunderhead, their energy was already consumed. A few of the Nimhir felt the approaching champions and veered off the track, never to touch the ground. And, again it was Azani alone with Rau.

The first part being over, the second part is to stay on the track, all the remaining competitors in a straight line, and use the expanded essence to rush to the ground. The best way, both knew, was to jump from raindrop to raindrop before slamming into the object on the ground. Azani’s raindrop dance method was slower than Rau’s. She would thank each raindrop spirit as she bounded off of them hoping they would give her some of their negligible essence to boost her speed. In stark contrast, Rau would rip the essence from the little motes and burn it up for more speed as they dissipated into nothingness. Azani always hated hearing the motes’ screams as they rushed toward the ground – the raindrop’s dreams of the ocean being obliviated to nothingess. The only reason Azani was able to keep just behind Rau was because after the first thousand raindrops, they tried to help her and also keep away from Rau.

Flashing down to earth, they found the target, a lonely, old oak in the middle of a city park. Rau was first to reach its branches and blazed all of his remaining essence to burn through the resistive oak. Azani was second and immediately contacted the oak spirit, having to skirt more slowly around the battle between Rau and the tree.

“Heart of Oak,” Azani bowed, “please stop Rau’s descent.”

“Little spirit,” the oak spirit replied, anger mixed with the sound of burning leaves, “I would prefer his descent be quick. His damage to me has already been great.”

Azani could feel the great spirit faltering away as it concentrated on mitigating the damage caused by Rau, feeding him to tree limbs and bark that would not kill the tree.

Before the disconnection, Azani shouted, “I offer this ring. Forged by Father Thunder, it contains the epic saga of his adoration for the Sister Rains. After my seventh win it was bestowed upon me. I offer it now.”

There was a pause in the race as Rau stopped his battle to the ground to stare at his sister. Never before had a Nimhir used anything but essence for the race. It had never been won with an oath.

“I accept.”

The old oak, far more skilled in spirit battle than Rau, the racer, expertly feinted to bring Rau directly into the center of the tree. Azani, being concurrently guided by the oak, circled to the ground burning spiral streaks outside of the oak’s skin. The light was blinding as the great oak split in two from the rush of essence that Rau gave off to try and escape. The vengeful oak tore at the trapped Nimhir, and caught flame as Rau dissipated (it would be quite awhile before he could cross the shadow again).

Azani placed the platinum ring where the oak had split and felt herself returning back to Father Thunder’s court.

Father Thunder bellowed her name as she arrived and it rang out across the horizon. She was the victor, and had ensured she would be for quite some time with Rau recovering in the spirit world. He smiled and gave her another ring as he proclaimed her victory to the spirit court. She saw sadness and relief in the face of the god at the loss of his memory of the failed courtship, but it was her gift to give.

Years later a sheep herder felled the dead oak, it had not wanted to persist holding the tale of such sadness. As the tree landed the young man saw the ring, and used it to marry a daughter of a tailor in town. The magic, by then, was gone but the wife cried every time a storm came. Their lives were, however, long and happy.

The End.

E-Violence is A-Ok

2006-08-19T18:26:00.000-07:00

Keep in mind, this is a blog. It's opinion not fact. One might expect an informed opinion but I consider that entirely optional. What I'm going to say here is what I think is the case because it makes sense to me, not because some insubstantial statistics back it up. Like the ancient Greeks I have no qualms about reaching conclusions through simple logic. Empirical data is over-rated.

Ok, well maybe I don't need to resort to Colbert-esque "Truthiness" to justify my espousal. I should be able to fall back just fine on the excuse that empirical data (meaningful data that is) is often pretty hard to come by. Sure we can prove beyond a reasonable doubt that water flows downhill, but how much data can we actually accumulate to prove that violence in media increase violence in the person viewing it? I'll leave the wishywashyness of "proof" of such matters for a different tirade and for now just stick to getting on the topic at hand. The data I'll be using is just my personal observations of humans being human.

Violent video games are not responsible for violent behavior. Primarily I say this because all games are definitively separate from life. They can act as practice for life, but that's not to say that what you do in play is preparation to do the same things in life. The concepts of in-game activities and in-life activities do have a connection but it's abstractly ciphered in transit from one to the other.

The football player, in playing football, learns strength and determination and can apply that to life. He's not applying his throwing and tackling skills to life. I be he hardly throws and tackles in his every day life at all.

So why expect something different from the kids who play a game about soldiers shooting each other? There is no difference. Why? Because ALL games, from the dawn of humanity have been simulation of the same 3 themes.

Fighting, Chasing, and Resource Managment.

Think of any sport or board game. They all revolve around the combination of these concepts. Why these concepts? Because those are the things we, as animals, need to do to live. Many sports are physically violent. Hell, a game of Hearts can by psychologically violent. But the activities are kept in a frame and the rules provide a structure and also a goal that the player is handed over to. In real life that structure doesn't exist, nor does the clearly defined goal.

Such a frame could be artificially constructed in a person's mind, however only through mild psychosis. Perhaps if someone's life literally was playing games they would adopt the mindset of the game in their outside, the way a career businessman completely absorbed in being Mr. Big-Shot CEO will handle all of his problems, even personal ones, with a businesslike approach.

But the Boxer doesn't go around punching everyone just because (Mike Tyson not withstanding... Again, psychosis doesn't count). However, if he needed to punch someone he'd be VERY well prepared to do so. Likewise, if the Counterstrike junkie needed to gun down some terrorists... Using a mouse and keyboard, that is... He'd have much better hand-eye coordination than the average Joe. But being capable of something doesn't give you new reasons to do it (unless you're just looking for attention, Mr. "I can open a beer bottle with my armpit!").

Now the only thing is... Violent video games let you play at things that other games haven't allowed for. Althetes may hit each other plenty, and other games may focus on deceit and betrayal and predatory bloodthirsty instinct, but video games actually let you shoot people in the face. The abstract concept is focused down into a very concrete cause/effect. This is a difference, but a subtle and somewhat complex one.

I've proposed that games do no inspire behavior but they do allow for a level of expertise to form. Well with such graphic depictions of horrific things (such horrific things which have always been implied in games is now actually portrayed). The expertise this gives the game, unfortunately, is a strong stomach against things that should be repulsive.

So like a boxer who happens to be a psychotic rapist is aided by his strength gained from boxing, the gamer who HAPPENS to be unhinged and in the mood to strike vengeantly at the bullies of his highschool will be aided by having practiced taking life.

Yeah, that's what I said, and I still say that there's nothing wrong with the games. Like any item or activity it is their ABUSE that becomes a problem. In normal use these games provide a fantastic diversion that could even be an outlet to do things one would never do in real life. But these experiences can be abused by someone who has become psychologically unstable due to MANY factors in their life.

Blaming an object for a person's behavior remains ridiculous. I could crush your skull with a rock. Rocks greatly enhance one's ability to crush skulls. Can't censor or restrict rocks, no matter how much we want to. (And man I really really want to.
...
Damn dirty rocks.)

The Feel Good Hit of the Fall

2006-08-17T23:53:00.000-07:00

Do you know who Jason Statham is? He's the guy who's never heard of Chuck Norris. Why? Because every time some internet geek (or drug lord) tried to tell him, he kicked a gun in their face and knocked them the hell out. He's the star of The Transporter franchise, and perhaps a cute little indie movie you might have heard of called SNATCH (no, he did not play the role of Brad Pitt).

He's been called the British Bruce Willis, just now, by me. It's not totally accurate but it points you in the direction of the ballpark. He's gritty, he kicks ass, he kicks charisma's ass, and he's somewhat balding. Basically, he and his films, whether they be high or low brow, are entertaining as all get out. And in just a few weeks what may well be his masterpiece- his opus of ass-kicking, if you will- will hit theatres. It's called Crank and here's the plot...

Jason Statham kicks everyone's ass.

Well... In a nutshell. I haven't been to any pre-screenings or anything. But the idea is that he plays a hitman who's been poisoned, and if he lets up on the adrenaline for just a second he'll die. So not only must he go on a rampage to seek revenge, he must go on a rampage just to keep going on his rampage! Oh, drama! And he won't JUST be kicking ass (as if that wasn't enough to sustain a major motion picture), he'll also be mainlining liquid crack into his eyeball (I assume) and getting it SO TOTALLY ON with Amy Smart in the middle of the street (I need not assume!).

Man. Sounds like another mindless Hollywood piece of action tripe, eh? Not your cup of tea there, Mr. Snooty McSnooterson film critic? Need something to give this epic the indie cred you and your tweed jacket and ascot wearing friends demand? Two words.

Dwight Yoakam.

Now get your butts to the theater or I'll kick a gun in your face.

Why Coke is Better Than Pepsi

2006-08-17T17:51:00.000-07:00

One word: sweetness.

That's right. Coke is better than Pepsi because of sweetness, and I'll explain.

As a soda vs. soda (or pop vs. pop, etc. this link will show you who is right), they are damn close. Coke has a deeper flavor with hints of spices and isn't so much in your face. Pepsi on the other hand does not have that deep symphony of flavors, but when you want something sweet to drink it beats Coke hands down. It is really a matter of taste which you want to drink. (I'll be honest, I am drinking a 20 oz Pepsi as I write.)

However, as far as refreshment goes... who wants sticky sweet when you are sweating like a short order chef using his face salt to flavor the burgers? I don't. I want something that cleans the palate. Bubbles the phlegm away and leaves me with a clear fresh taste in my mouth. Not something that stickily sugar coats my whole mouth, sucking the moisture away. However, most people don't consider this because when you add ice it cuts that sweetness almost in half. So, Coke barely edges Pepsi out for when you want to drink something to quench your man-thirst, but you will only notice it if you are anal retentive (or writing a blog, which probably is not that far off).

Well dipshit, you, most-excellent reader say... where the hell is the soda smackdown or pop punishment? Cooking, I retort.

You cannot cook with Pepsi. It is too damn sweet. Ever heard of Pepsi BBQ sauce? Put that shit on any meat and it becomes trash worthy. What about as a marinade? Coke offers a multitude of flavors with a spicy, earthy tang. Pepsi just gives you sugar. Want an excellent crock pot roast beef? 3-4 lb. beef, a bottle of ketchup, a can of coke, and an onion dip packet are all you need. Try that with Pepsi...and you have meat that comes out of the closet as candy.

I like Pepsi; like I said I am drinking some now. The only thing I dislike about Pepsi are its Britney-esque ads that it seems to think will have you drink it more (of course Coca-Cola Co.'s Sprite commercials aren't much better, arguably worse). But, I will always have a can of coke around.

Rav's Rockin' Cola-Q Sauce
1 can Coke
1 1/2 cups ketchup
1 tbsp Worcestershire sauce
1 tbsp ground hot mustard
2 cloves garlic
2 cloves
1/2 tsp liquid smoke
1/2 tsp white pepper
salt

Put all in the sauce pan. Simmer for an hour (don't even come close to boiling). Cool to room temperature. Eat.

Book Review: House of Leaves

2006-08-16T08:08:00.000-07:00

House of Leaves by Mark Z. Danielewski (brother of songwriter Poe) wrote an excellent book that can cause extreme headaches, but as with any type sado-masochism, it is well worth the pain. The book can be seen as horror, but the creepiness is not as apparent as something by Stephen King or John Carpenter.

The book is a written "doctoral" thesis of a very intelligent man, Zampano. Zampano writes about a documentary that never existed, The Navidson Record. The other "author" is a junky named Johnny Truant who tells you his story throughout the footnotes. Finally the "editors" fix mistakes, etc. also in the footnotes.

The Navidson Record does not exist in our world as a documentary, nor does it exist in the world of the book. However, when Zampano discusses the documentary in his thesis he cites reviews about the it, discourses on it, interviews from the people documented, etc. In other words, it feels like Zampano is creating the documentary as he writes (and the horror to go along with it). This is not giving away anything as the prologue explicitly states this fact. However, it disturbingly adds to the realism when you read the footnotes and you desparetely want to read (or watch) some of the material that is cited.

The Navidson Record is about a legendary filmmaker who buys a house that has more space on the inside of the house than the exterior should allow. In other words, on the inside it measures X feet long, but on the outside it measures Y feet long where X is greater than Y. After living there a few months a hallway appears. This hallway does not connect to any other part of the house, and instead leads off to a space that should not exist. Zampano likens it to the Labyrinth. The documentary is so unreal and the horror so fundamental that the thesis that is created from it sucks you right in as if you were watching the documentary.

The Dan Z. also adds another interesting effect to his book (on top of the experimental writing style). Every time "house" is written it is blue. Anything written about a Labyrinth or Minotaur is in red and struck-out (sorry I can't figure out how to strikeout text). This is perfectly catches you. You will search for the word house in a sentence and even re-read it to make sure it is blue, and the text in red seems all the more important. The book also has a few warping effects where there will only be three words on a page or the text is upside down, etc. Sometimes this effect really took the theme and mood home, other times it was annoying.

Other reviewers have commented that Dan Z. uses a writing style that mocks the current doctoral paper system. The thesis is written with an air of pugnancy and Zampano cites so many things (some real) that it gets to the point of ridiculousness. Some of his string cites are 5 pages long. Because of this writing style, you will find yourself skipping large sections discussing tangents that really make no sense. I think this was the point, i.e., the section was written in hopes that the reader would skip it because it makes it all the more real.

I highly recommend the book but beware that it does take some measure to read. The pain received from it is well worth it, and when you walk away you might have a slightly different view of things.

Without the Expressed Written Consent of Major League Baseball

2006-08-16T00:14:00.000-07:00

Broadcasting. Free range opinions. Message in a bottle. Imagine a trucker on his CB just yammering on and on and on to anyone tuned in on frequency channel 27. Now we've got the internet. In a space with no geometry the opinions and ideas flow like water on a flat surface. Be careful! Someone could slip on that puddle. Put up an orange rubber cone for crying out loud.

I did feel obliged to post an introductory message. A prologue or a mission statement you could say, if you wanted to point out the lameness of it... Or even if not. My partner in this endeavor did much better to just dish up something arbitrarily awesome and tell you, "Chew on this, invisible monkeys. I'll feed you more later."

But if I'm insisting on writing something for you I should at least try to make it interesting, if not insightful. I hereby pledge to you that I will do this... Try, that is.

So, therefore, back to Blogs. They're all the rage these days and I'm obviously really late to the party. Everyone's kicking back and spouting off. Folks have always had great ideas. They have them all the time. But they're not necessarily big enough ideas to get up, literally, on a soap box in the middle of the town square and just start hollering at the passers-by. Well that no longer matters. Now if you have an idea there's no excuse not to immediately present it in full access of the public. It's practically an obligation.

Because the thing about the internet, is that it's public and it ain't... Like I said, no geometry. If you want to know what some dude thought about Alien3 right now just turn to your left and clickity-click there it is, instantly. If you don't? Then it never existed; it's not right there. The score of the Dodgers game is there instead.

Humanity's opinions are now being poured into one giant bargain bin that we can each sift through at our leisure. Find a gem in there! -buried in a bunch of bullshit. But still, there's plenty of shoppers looking for bullshit too, and their needs must be met one way or another.

So here we all are now, you, me and everybody except the millions (billions? I honestly don't know... Research is going to the top of the priority list!) of folks who aren't surfing the net. All strolling around the general store of the internet... Usually in the middle of the night. We came here because we needed something, but there's so much other JUNK here that we've never seen before.

TV, DVD, CD, and well... Books, magazines, and newspapers too! They deliver you ideas but they cost and the ideas in them may be lovely but they're never quite the right size, shape, or color that you were looking for. Of course not. They didn't make it just for you after all. They have their market to consider. Admit it. You don't always want a steak dinner. You don't always want a decent hamburger, even. Sometimes you just want some cheetos. Well imagine no one sold cheetos because you're the only one in the zip-code who likes 'em. All the junk that you like (which is a completely different product line than the junk those other bozos like) was never in demand enough to be put on the supermarket shelves. Well there actually was demand but it was so tiny that the junk would have to be extreeeeemely cheap to justify it's production and distribution.

Now it is. Thanks to the internet, ideas are cheaper than every before in human history. ROCK BOTTOM PRICES! Hell, we're practically giving the stuff away.

In fact we are. Free ideas on our blogs. Here's my thoughts on stuff. You didn't ask for it, but hey, I'm not a traveling salesman knocking on your door or a tele-marketer calling you during dinner. Naw, I'm just a humble corner-store proprietor sticking my ideas up on the shelves and manning the counter. Stroll around, look at what we've got. See anything you like? Your satisfaction is important to us so your feedback is important!

You are here, after all, in the middle of the night and in your bathrobe. Maybe you needed that pint of rocky-road, but it's melting while you're standing there in your slippers checking out the shelf-full of our ideas. You'll stop in at the store next door too, on your way home. Take what you want, leave the rest, tell your friends, and of course...

Thank you! Come again!

Start Somewhere.

2006-08-10T08:09:00.000-07:00